Guilelines to living with Decepticons
by Deception is Decepticon
Summary: The one and only guidebook to living with Decepticons. Be warned, life insurance is essentual.
1. Chapter 1

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

List 1

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Rule #1: Never suggest that Megatron should have a cool saying like Optumis'.

_(I mentioned this to him.)_

_("Be free my minions and rip the limbs of those autosums!")_

_(He came up with more than fifty that ended with the autobots despise.)_

_(I was slightly disturbed when he mentioned the death of humans.)_

_-----------------_

Rule #2: If you are **every** planning on insulting Starscream, make sure that you are out of firing range of his missiles.

_(I almost ended up blown to bits when I told him he sounded like a spongebob wanne-be on steroids.)_

_(I won't even begin to list my medical bill.)_

_(Megatron put on a restraining order on Starscream after I rolled in on a wheelchair.)_

_-----------------_

Rule #3: Don't find it funny to play the 'Human Body' to any decepticon within visual range.

(_They will get curious.)_

_(And watch it.)_

_(And you'll end up lonely for a few days after.)_

_(Barricade mentioned that he didn't want me to ride in him anymore, after he watched the part on the digestive system.)_

_(That 'bot really needs to learn that I can hold it in.)_

_(Sometimes...)_

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Rule #4: It is also not funny to sing any annoying, repetitive song that you come up with while riding inside a decepticon.

(_Decepticon's are known to not be able to tolerate humans.)_

_(Even if I am an exception.)_

_(They do get cranky.)_

_(And you'll find yourself abandoned on the side of the road without a way home.)_

_(It took me four hours to find the nearest phone booth, to call for some-one to pick me up.)_

_-----------------_

Rule #5: Never attempt to talk to yourself in some-ones armor.

_(This thoroughly disturbs them.)_

_(I did attempt this once on Blackout.)_

_(I ended up mumbling to myself while putting on some mascara.)_

_(When he finally realized what I was doing he jumped up.)_

_(I couldn't stop myself from mumbling about something that might scar him for life.)_

_(He was just to shiny.)_

_------------------_

Rule #6: It is never good to try and order pizza from the base.

_(Soundwave ended up scaring away my pizza.)_

_(I was starving for the rest of the day, refusing to eat anything apart from pizza.)_

_(Soundwave had to make it up to me after Megatron reminded him that I was human and I needed for three times a day.)_

_(I think I gained three pounds from all the pizza I ate.)_

_(Soundwave has his perks.)_

_-----------------_

Rule #7: Never practice your shooting skills on a decepticon target.

_(Barricade and Long Haul found it funny that I used Starscream's form.)_

_(Thundercracker and Skywarp where slightly worried when I started laughing maniacally.)_

_(Though it quickly stopped once Starscream walked in.)_

_(Just to see me release a round of bullets.)_

_(Then claim that you wanted to be like Ironhide.)_

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Rule #8: Never call Soundwave lazy, just because he sends his mini-cons to do the job for him.

_(He didn't like me calling me that.)_

_(He saw it funny to stop the hot water when I was in the shower.)_

_(The results where never good.) _

_(Starscream was surprised I could swear in that many languages.)_

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Rule #9: It is never good to call Barricade instead of the police department when your in trouble.

_(He thought I was in serious danger.) _

_(He was more then pissed when he found out that I wasn't in serious danger.)_

_(Wasn't my fault that he came under my emergency contacts.)_

_----------------_

Rule #10: Do not attempt to scare the Decepticons while watching the movie 'Signs'.

_(I only managed to scare myself when I hid in the while peeking out to watch the movie.)_

_(Who would have thought that Frenzy was hiding in the same closet.)_

_(Lets just say.)_

_(Screaming can actually harm Decepticons.)_

_----------------_

Rule #11: Never assume that Megatron and Starscream are spark bonded, because of how close they are.

_(I was put on time out for a month.)_

_(Which I was more then thankful for.)_

_(Who would'da thought that cleaning cybertronian size showers was by far the best thing I had done.)_

_(For all those who are curious of Megatron's and Starscream's reaction to the rumor I spread.)_

_(All I can say...was that it was...screechy.)_

_----------------_

Rule #12: Never see it fit to mention an autobot in conversations with certain 'Cons.

_(Megatron didn't like my comfort in mentioning Optumis' name in an argument.)_

_(Neither did Barricade.)_

_(Or Blackout.)_

_(Long haul looked rather disturbed.)_

_(Frenzy didn't seem to care.)_

_(Just as long as you had the coffee coming.)_

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Rule #13: Never dress up as a movie character on halloween.

_(No-one liked it that I dressed up looking like 'Jason'.)_

_(Blackout didn't see the point in the hockey mask.)_

_(I didn't see the point that explaining would help.)_

_(Their curiosity can get into our nerves more then Starscream's attitude.)_

_-----------------_

Rule #14: Never say that The Fallen looks like a Santa Clause that fell on his head to many times.

_(He was very offended when he heard me say that.)_

_(I wasn't allowed to come within ten feet of The Fallen anymore.)_

_(He forgave me eventually.)_

_(Christmas is now banned from the base.)_

_----------------_

Rule #15: Actually all human celebrations are now banned from the base.

_(Who would'da thought that the Easter Bunny actually scared Rumble.)_

_(I still don't understand how a little fluffy bunny could scare a robot.)_

_----------------_

_AN:_ I know this is nothing compared to Tatyana's Guidebook, but I try. Review and tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

Note: For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

List 2

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Rule #16: Never ask where sparklings come from.

(I asked Barricade.)

(He told me to ask Brawl.)

(Brawl told me to ask Soundwave.)

(After that, I could never look at a Decepticon in the optic any more.)

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Rule #17: Never Insult Bonecrusher

(I got curious as to how he got into the Decepticon rank.)

(I asked him.)

(Things got violent.)

(How did I know calling him a "Pitspawn" could get that reactions out of them.)

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Rule #18: Never call Megatron, 'Megaweenie'.

(This should be obvious.)

(But lets just say, things got violent...yet again.)

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Rule #19: I can't call Megatron, 'Meggzie' now.

(Rumble and Frenzy thought it funny to call him that on any occasion they got.)

(Lucky for them, they had some-one important to hide behind.)

(Brawl wasn't so lucky.)

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Rule #20: Actually, calling Megatron anything apart from his real name is now banned.

("Megz! Megapoo! Megaweenie! Meggi!")

(Apparently, its a known fact through out the base that Megatron reacts faster towards said names.)

(I was lucky I made it out of the room.)

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Rule #21: When ever any watching 'Harry Potter' movie, make sure Rumble and Frenzy are out of the room.

(I had to duck when they threw stick around, claiming they where wands.)

(Soundwave was not happy when he saw them spazzing on the ground.)

(They claimed that Voldemort had got into their systems.)

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Rule #22: Watching chick flicks is now banned from the base.

(Barricade thought it was wrong that males dressed as females in 'White Chicks'.)

(Brawl was bothered by the fact that a human female could be so stupid, when he watched 'House bunny'.)

(Starscream never did like any thing that contained giggling girls.)

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Rule #23: Never complain about anything!

(Once again I note, Decepticons have short tempers.)

(Enough said.)

ooo

Rule #24: Dancing is now also forbidden

(Starscream thought I had some body malfunction when he saw me dancing like Michael Jackson.)

(I was insulted.)

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Rule #25: Disobeying orders Soundwave gives you, leads to bad news.

(Never had I seen him so pissed off when Bonecrusher didn't listen to him.)

(I've never seen both of them show so much emotion.)

(Fear was my only emotion at that point.)

ooo

Rule #26: Never force Soundwave listen to Lady Gaga

(This is far to obvious.)

(He didn't know what a 'disco stick' was.)

(I didn't even bother to answer that.)

ooo

Rule #27: Soundwave has now forever banned all Beyounce songs.

(He stated that his audio's could not stand the high notes.)

(I took note of this.)

(Perfect revenge tactics.)

ooo

Rule #28: Don't T.P the base.

(Rumble thought it was real snow.)

(It's very hard to make a snowman out of toilet paper.)

(I still see remnants of the incident every time I walk into the rec room.)

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Rule #29: Do not, under any circumstances teach the 'cons the Macarena.

(Bonecrusher almost lived up to his name.)

(Barricade was a pain in the aft.)

(Starscream really _did_ lived up to his name.)

(I still have impaired hearing.)

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Rule #30: It is not funny to paint autobot symbols around the base, while every-one is in recharge.

(Sideways thought he was actually captured by them.)

(Megatron doesn't have a sense of humor.)

(They do have a human size brig.)

(And from experience, I'm lucky I wasn't eaten alive by all the rats there.)

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Rule #31: Never attempt hacking into Soudnwave's computer.

(I tried.)

(I failed.)

(I couldn't even get the desktop up.)

ooo

Rule #32: Never try to teach the 'cons 'The Robot'.

(Surprisingly, Thundercracker was good at it.)

(Skywarp didn't even attempt to try.)

(Starscream thought it was insulting.)

(How could that be insulting!)

(Soundwave explained.)

(I only flipped Starscream off.)

'Wow! How do you do that?'

(Ahh, you gotta love Rumble)

ooo

Rule #33: Twilight and anything Twilight related is now banned.

(I cussed Barricade in seven different languages.)

(How dare he take away my Jacob from me!)

(I didn't speak to him for three days.)

A/N: WOW! I got all that done! I thank you all for the reviews! And I hope you got a god crack out of this, cause more is coming soon. Thanks to all those who suggested some rules to use, you know who you are. I also wish to thank Tatyana Witwicky for her help. Later!


	3. Chapter 3

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

Note: For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

List 3

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Rule #34: Never exclaim that you are carrying Megatron's sparkling.

(I seriously don't know where that came from.)

(I made Bonecrusher say it.)

(Megatron's processor crashed.)

(I'm still laughing.)

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Rule# 35: Don't ask Starscream the difference between a turtle and a tortoise.

(He didn't even know what a turtle was.)

(I went into shock.)

(I then brought back several series of Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles to the base and made him watch it.)

(My favorite Raphael plush toy went missing.)

(It was never found.)

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Rule# 36: PBS kids shows' songs are NOT to be used as a torture device.

(Starscream is fast, and loud, and screechy.)

(I think I'm deaf in one ear because he started screeching at me to stop singing Reading Rainbow's off tune.)

(I can't help it that I'm a great singer.)

(That's called sarcasm, my dear friends.)

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Rule# 37: All weird kids learning shows are forever banned from the base.

(Elmo scares the 'cons.)

(Puppets have that effect on 'cons.)

(Singing Sesame street songs is also banned.)

(I always did wonder where that dent in the wall came from.)

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Rule# 38: Never dare Soundwave's minions to do something that is remotely close to life threatening.

(Soundwave's anger is like a never ending black hole.)

(Don't even attempt to lie to him, he can read minds.)

(Which I can forget some-times.)

(I swear he doesn't have a sense of humor.)

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Rule# 39: Never insult Soundwave.

(This ties along with Rule# 38.)

(Just to prove you people wrong, he does have a sense of humor.)

(And you don't have to dig deep to find it.)

(I'm still angry at him for telling the 'cons my biggest secret.)

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Rule# 40: Never attempt to talk like Blurr.

(I almost pissed my self at the expressions on their faces.)

(Megatron was slightly disturbed.)

(He had Scalpel take a look at me.)

(The little guy may be cute, but he can get on your nerves very quickly.)

"Zhe haz n-no p-problem. Maybe if I juzt peek in 'ere. Aha!"

(I didn't know what he found, but he seemed rather happy about it.)

(That was until I found a certain belly ring missing.)

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Rule# 41: Never call Lugnut a mindless, obsessive teddy bear.

(He seemed to get rather huffy.)

(I felt bad for him when I saw him sulking in the corner hugging a picture of Megatron.)

(But all changed once I saw what type of picture it was.)

(I think my mind is now forever scarred.)

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Rule# 42: Ignore all the noise you hear coming from Megatron's room.

(I didn't listen to Blackout.)

(Now I am forever scared.)

(Who knew that 'cons have those parts.)

(None the less, can actually do it.)

(I still cringe whenever I see either Megatron or Starscream.)

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Rule# 43: Never cover a 'con in cling wrap while they are in their alt forms.

(Sideways was stuck in mid transformation for a few hours.)

(It looked hilarious, but very uncomfortable.)

(I couldn't stop laughing every time I heard Scalpel grumble something.)

(All Cling wrap is banned from the base.)

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Rule# 44: Never hide inside a recharging 'con while they are in alt form.

(I hid inside Blackout.)

(I never thought that 'cons would actually need to stretch.)

(That was until everything around me started to shake.)

(Blackout was scared Slagless when he started hearing weird screeching noises coming from inside him.)

(I am lucky to be alive.)

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Rule# 45: Never dare Starscream to do anything.

(Either the dares will never get completed or he would run away.)

('Starscream! You slaghole, that's cheating!')

(His only reply was a glare.)

ooo

Rule# 46: Never randomly call any Decepticon, Evil Goodies, Hot stuff, or anything that isn't their names.

(I called Blackout 'Evil Goodies.')

(I also called Rumble, 'A demented looking cute thing.')

(Haven't seen them in a while.)

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Rule# 47: Never try prank calling a Decepticon.

(I tried, I failed and I got in trouble.)

(At these moments I forget that Soundwave is the communications officer.)

(Blond moments get the best of me some-times.)

(Then I remember I'm not blond at all.)

*Face palm*

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Rule# 48: Don't ever try and force the Decepticons to participate in Horror movie night.

(Watching The Shining gave me nightmares,)

(The Hills Have Eyes made Rumble and Frenzy go into stasis.)

(After watching Jaws, Demolisher never let anyone back into the water.)

(I am dying from the heat.)

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Rule# 49: Do not tell Soundwave or Scapel that Cockroaches can live for 9 days without their heads.

(Scapel had a whole breeding ground for them.)

(I can never look at Scapel without thinking of the roaches heads on the ground.)

(There where just to many.)

(Soundwave wanted to test it out with humans.)

(I just about ad a heart attack when he called me into his office.)

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Rule# 50: Getting examined by Scapel would be more embarrassing then telling the decepticons the human mating ritual.

(He told every single 'con that my brain was 80% water.)

(Rumble and Frenzy now call me Jelly Brain.)

(I threatened to have them built into the latest version of my washing machine.)

(That only shut them up for five minutes.)

(They will never learn.)

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Rule# 51: Do not randomly exclaim things.

1. I went pee-pee in my pants (The 'cons will not go near you.)

2. I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. (There was nothing wrong with this, but they will get curious and ask who the frag that is.) (I still have a head ache.)

3. You break my spark. (This only works once.) )They figured it out pretty quickly that I didn't have a spark.) (Damn!)

I want a pet turtle, tortious, snake and a alligator! (Odds are you will finds something of that kind lurking in your room.) (I can't walk into my room any more, because I'd get attacked by the snake that ad taken a liking to wrapping itself around my neck while I sleep.)

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AN: This was a slow chappie. But I hope I can step up next one. Thanks for everyone for the reviews and fav's, keeps me going. Any ideas are appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

Note: For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

I dedicate this chapter to all my readers out there, just hope that you will not screw up and get blown of the planet in hopes of reaching and/or creating a cybertronian. I have tried and I have failed. Just kidding.

List 4

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Rule# 52: Never take up the offer to go on patrol with any seeker, that includes the power obsessive Starscream.

(I'm still seeing double.)

("Woah, where the hell are you?")

(I couldn't find my way around the base.)

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Rule# 53: Don't even let the 'Con's hear about Super Hero Squad

(Odds are, they will start referring to themselves as the evil guys.)

(Skywarp can't help but say, "Alright Squadies, Hero up!" When-ever he is sent on a mission.)

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Rule# 54: Do not introduce Soundwave to Youtube.

(Harry potter Puppet pals.)

(That's one reason.)

(Llama song.)

(That's the second reason.)

(Anime Porn.)

(Lets not even go there.)

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Rule# 55: Rumble and Frenzy are not aloud near Doctor Seuss books.

(They attempted to cook green eggs and ham.)

(The base smelt like rotten eggs for Primus knows how long)

(I now have that horrid smell forever imprinted into my brain.)

(Frenzy made the egg explode.)

(Rumble's processor glitched.)

(How you ask? I have no freaking clue.)

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Rule# 56: Do not go out and get a piercing.

(Scapel ordered I take them out.)

(He said it disrupted their scanners.)

(What they where scanning for still worries me.)

(And that was only after he went into a five minute stasis after he found out we could pierce more then just our face.)

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Rule# 57: No Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana songs

(Soundwave might be emotionless but he still does get irritated and annoyed.)

(I told Megatron I broke him.)

(I think 'Party in the USA', finally got to him.)

(Or was it 'Best of Both Worlds')

(Wait no, I'm pretty sure it was 'Nobodies perfect'.)

(What-ever it was sure did a good one on him.)

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Rule# 58: If you get a tattoo never tell Starscream first.

(He told Megatron and Scapel.)

('She looks even worse with that ink covering her.')

(He's such a hypocrite.)

(In the end I got to keep them.)

(I think Megatron liked my tattoo.)

(Maybe because it was his name I got inked with.)

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Rule# 59: Do not spike the energon with any types of alcohol.

(Vodka can do some crazy things to them 'cons.)

ooo

Rule# 60: Do not dare any of the 'cons to do anything while they are drunk.

(They will actually do it.)

(Results are never too good.)

(Especially when you dare Starscream to sing.)

(I did record it.)

(Perfect blackmail material.)

(And the good thing is, he doesn't remember.)

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Rule# 61: Do not set up a date for Soundwave with the Autobot Blaster, just because they both have minions.

(They were NOT meant for each other.)

(I wasn't worried for Blaster.)

(But Soundwave.)

(I mean how would you react when you found out I set up a date for you and the autobot you despised.)

(He wasn't pleased one bit.)

('Hehehe, I'm just gonna hide now.')

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Rule# 62: No matter how awesome sounding Soundwave's voice is, do not ask pointless questions just to hear his answer.

("I do not believe I can answer that. I do not know when the world will end. But by my calculations on the attacks that Megatron and I have planned it would not be long before Nevada is whipped out.")

(I had melted into a pile of goop when he finished.)

(Metaphorically speaking.)

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Rule# 63: Alvin and the Chipmunks is banned.

("Christmas! Christmas! Time is near, time for toys and time for cheers!")

(That song travelled around the base quicker than a virus.)

(Rumble and Frenzy still sing the songs.)

(I'm Alvin!)

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Rule# 64: Questioning Megatron's choice of alts is dangerous

(Hey, flying tanks are cool!)

(When there not landing then bouncing off the ground, traveling at dangerous speeds towards you.)

(He didn't even apologize!)

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Rule# 65: "Time for my beauty sleep"

(Never, ever in your right mind say that to a group of 'cons.)

(Scapel will be called in.)

(Things will get nasty.)

(I get cranky when I don't get my sleep.)

(I still don't understand what the fuss was about.)

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Rule# 66: Never search up any names on youtube

(It so happens to be there are Decepticon fans.)

(As well as transformer yaio fans.)

(Said fans make little clips.)

(Broadcasting these clips would sign your death warrant for certain.)

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Rule# 67: Never type in Starscream's name in youtube or any other 'cons for that matter

(Rumble, Frenzy and I decided to have some fun.)

(What we didn't know was that Starscream had fans.)

(Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me- Starscream fans. )

(Our laughing attracted attention of said 'con.)

(Results were never nice.)

(I think Starscream has a new theme song.)

(Sexy...naughty...bitchy...me!)

(Searching 'con names on youtube had been banned.)

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Rule# 68: "I scream, you scream, we all scream for Starscream!"

(Simple enough that I don't even have to explain it.)

ooo

AN: Well, I think this was better than then other chapter, and I hope to keep this up. Remember all your rules are wanted as well, so just be free and tell me.

Thank-you to all those out there who gave me rules, trust me they where fab. (Don't use that word very often.) You know who you are. This chapter was dedicated to all those who gave me rules. Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

I just realized, that last chapter Starscream seemed to be the main target, but being the nice person I am, lets just continue it on in this chapter. Enjoy!

List 5

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Rule# 69: _"Stars Cream, with a energon pop on top"_

(This was just to funny.)

(It would have worked too, if Starscream was not in the room.)

(From my point of view, it sounded wrong.)

(Rumble asked if he could have cake with Stars Cream on it.)

(I would have laughed, but my mature side seemed to kick in.)

(Pssh, Mature! Yeah right.)

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Rule# 70: Do not explain the works of credit cards.

(I found mine missing after Frenzy and Rumble came to visit.)

(They returned later with shopping bags and gifts for everyone.)

(All I got was an aft long bill.)

(Not including tax.)

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Rule# 71: Jimmy Nuetron: Boy Genius, big no-no.

(Frenzy and Rumble thought he was real.)

(I had to burst their bubble.)

(I've never been more prouder.)

(That was until Soundwave heard of the news.)

(He banned the show.)

(He said that humans had enough influence on their minds already.)

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Rule# 72: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is also a big no-no, maybe even bigger.

(Frenzy thought there was actually vampires in his room.)

(He decided to call Buffy.)

(Its fun watching him search her name out in the yellow pages.)

(Though a hyper, pissed off Frenzy makes it hard for you to explain that vampires and Buffy aren't real, too.)

(Soundwave yelled at me for a good three hours for apparently, "Screwing with his sense of reality.")

(I was sent to the naughty corner.)

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Rule# 73: This may have been mentioned before, but if not take to mind, that it is NOT safe to INSULT Soundwave in any form.

(He does read minds.)

(And he can take action against you.)

(I was once again, sent to the naughty corner.)

(Though I call it The Retreat.)

(For good reason.)

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Rule# 74: No quoting Disney movies.

('Nobody move! I've dropped me brain!') (Jack Sparrow, always has that effect on you.) (Frenzy thought it'd be funny to say that in a room full of 'cons.) (Lets just say he had a fun time in the med room.)

('Mickey mouse, Donald duck!') (Try repeating that over and over again, then you'll know why I ended up in the naughty corner.)

('What's this? What's this?) (A big no-no when participating in a meeting.) (I think I short circuited Shockwave.)

('If you lie, your noes will grow.') (Soundwave once told me.) (I looked straight at Starscream after woods.) (He looked rather suspicious in that corner.) (To bad he didn't have a nose.)

('I'm late, I'm late. I'm very, very late.') (Alice in Wonderland rocks!) (The decepticons didn't think so.)

('Your mad.') ('Thank goodness for that, because if I weren't this'll probably never work.') (This line became my motto whenever someone said I was insane.) (Which was most of the time.)

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Rule# 75: Never send out the 'Fake Alert' virus on any 'con.

('Sorry, but this this program is not available right now. Please choose another program.')

(I had so much fun with this.)

(Barricade couldn't contact me when I disappeared for a few hours.)

(Soundwave had _fun_ removing all those walls of Fake Alerts in the 'cons.)

(Notice I was being sarcastic.)

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Rule# 76: Tissue paper should always be disposed of.

(I went through three boxes when I got a cold.)

(Frenzy and Rumble had fun trying to count as many tissues they could find around my room.)

(I didn't have any fun once they where supposedly 'Infected' with the 'human' virus.)

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Rule# 77: Walking around in a towel after a shower should not be advised.

(Apparently Starscream came back from a fly.)

(What I didn't know was that his thrusters where still on when I walked into the room.)

(Lets just say, they got a good view of my skin.)

(_All_ my skin.)

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Rule# 78: Just because the con's had finally gotten to work their Holo's, this does not mean that you should ask them to put them on.

(I actually grew addicted to looking at Starscream's holo.)

(Who ever thought that he had good taste.)

(I think I melted when he just looked my way.)

(Though Soundwave does have one fine holo too...)

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Rule# 79: What never to say to a policeman, this include Barricade.

(I was caught speeding.)

(I only smiled and drove on.)

1. 'Care for a doughnut?' (Homer Simpson is Sideways favorite cartoon character.)

2. 'Meet your quota? Happy now?'

3. 'You're NOT going to check the boot, are you?' (I thought the man was actually Barricade.) (That was until he actually DID check the boot and asked if I was drinking anything.)

4. 'Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?' (Barricade likes to test out his new sirens) (A lot.)

5. 'I bet your wife really likes those handcuffs?' (Who ever thought that Barricade could look perverted.) (That grin turned me on.) (Hehehe...)

6. 'Hey, you must'a been doin' about 150kph to keep up with me! Good Job!'

7. 'Let's not forget who pays your salary here!' (Once again I said this to a actual cop and not Barricade.) (I was once again asked to have a breath test.)

8. 'Hey officer, is that your baton or are you just happy to see me?' (Barricade just grinned again and winked.) (I have a feeling that it wasn't his baton.) (But who knows...?)

9. 'I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school first.'

10. 'Oh, no. It's about the body isn't it.' (I didn't say this.) (Sideways did, the policeman actually back away.)

11. 'You look like the guy next to my girlfriends bed.' (Apparently this doesn't work for us girls.) (Though it did save Bonecrusher's aft a few times.)

12. 'Your going to have to speak up. This is my favorite song!' (This is my favorite quote.)

13. 'Thanks officer. The cop yesterday only gave me a warning too!' (This was used to many times to be funny any more.) (But its funny watching the copper's faces turn bright red.)

ooo

Rule# 80: You gotta love Youtube, everybody's a star. I'm on Youtube, and there are videos I saw I didn't even intend to star in.

(Apparently Starscream likes to record my clumsy moments.)

(Especially that time when I spat my gum on the ground, hoping that some-one else would step on it, only to step on it myself.)

(I still can't get the gum off.)

ooo

Rule# 81: Don't ever play a Prank on Megatron, no matter how tempting it seems.

(Megatron is known to have a Megatron-sized temper.)

(I was lucky he never suspected me.)

(Starscream was not so lucky.)

ooo

Rule# 82: Don't attempt to copy others quotes.

('You fail me yet again, Starscream.')

(I tried to say this, but like always I made a fool of myself.)

(Only Megatron can say that and make it seem awesome.)

('Soundwave: acknowledges.')

(I replaced it with my name, 'Rebecca: Acknowledges.')

(But my name had to many syllables so it sounded odd.)

('Are you ladiesman217?')

(I laughed so hard when I got Barricade to say that again.)

(I think I needed to change my pants.)

(I can't look at him without laughing.)

ooo

Rule# 83: Never listen to '3' by Britney Spears while counting from 1 to 3

(Starscream, no matter where we were was always the '2')

(I didn't understand what it meant.)

(Until...)

(Frenzy heard the song, listened to it until he could sing it himself.)

(Soundwave still blames me for corrupting Frenzy's processor.)

(It was only a few days ago that I was given a printed copy of the lyrics.)

(I never looked at the pointed mechs, mostly Starscream, the same way.)

(Britney Spears is now banned from the base.)

ooo

Rule# 84: Do not allow any Decepticon, preferably Frenzy and Rumble to watch Alice in Wonderland, the movie.

(Soundwave came after me again.)

(Blaming me for corrupting there minds even more with the Mad Hatter's madness.)

(I almost dropped dead when he banned the movie.)

(It seemed to work on some parts and I was allowed to watch it under their supervision.)

ooo

Rule# 85: From now on, when telling a story make sure you lock the doors.

(The 'cons always seem to walk in at the wrong time.)

(I'm not even going to bother with an example, Blackout's face said it all.)

ooo

AN: I want to thank everyone out there who is reading this for the sack of it. Any way, I want to thank every one that review and gave me some rules in particular. You really made my week, day? Same thing.

Special thanks to:

B.B Godzilla-Your rule was amazing and let me tell you something, there goes my love for Starscream. -I still shudder when-ever I see his face appear in the movies-

Rainspiral-Your rules are awesome too! I hope you can give me more!

And I want to specially thank MissCrazyaboutFanfic's, I hope I got your name right. If not forgive me but know that you always hold a place in my head with your sense of humor.

Thanks again!


	6. Chapter 6

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers.

Even though last chapter was heaps long I just realized something, I'm almost up to rule 100! Yay! I feel proud and all you who gave me rules should too! Together we made it here!

List 6

ooo

Rule# 86: Never teach the 'cons how to gamble.

(It was fun when I won all there Energon cubes.)

(Even if I had to give them back at the end.)

ooo

Rule# 87: Never gamble with Soundwave.

(Though he might be loyal to Megatron and has a certain respect for people's privacy, he will cheat.)

(He read my mind.)

(I lost all my nail polish and a box of Big Red gum.)

(Damn 'cons and their special powers.)

ooo

Rule# 89: Whenever telling Starscream that he can rule the decepticons, be sure that Megatron is either long gone, dead, or not around the see this happen.

(I meant it as a joke.)

(He took it so seriously the next day I was made to scrub toilets.)

(That was his command.)

(Megatron was not impressed.)

(With my scrubbing that is.)

ooo

Rule# 90: Do not bring back souvenirs from the Zoo.

(I brought back a monkey.)

(A howling monkey.)

(Don't ask how.)

(Though it was funny watching every 'con chase the thing around the base.)

(I was then fined in possession for the monkey which I didn't know was with me until a few days ago.)

(I am now $300 less than before.)

ooo

Rule# 91: Super villains are not to be mentioned.

(Blackout wanted to meet Doctor Octopus.)

(Soundwave and him seemed to get along.)

(I feel left out.)

('I like Doctor Octopus too.')

ooo

Rule# 92: Animals are not allowed on base.

(Some one thought it would be funny to release a few rats in Megatron's room.)

(Turns out he hates rats.)

(A lot)

(But I'm sure Ravage had a lot of fun hunting them.)

ooo

Rule# 93: No one is allowed to touch my kitty until it is robot-trained.

(Yes, I got a kitten.)

(From Soundwave.)

(He said it would keep my slow human mind from thinking to much.)

(I named my kitty, Bumble.)

ooo

Rule# 94: Never question my naming of Bumble.

('Shut up. Your name is no better. Be thankful I didn't name it Optimus.')

(Starscream actually cringed.)

(Bumble's just purred.)

(Good kitty...)

ooo

Rule# 95: No eating McDonald's food in front of the 'cons.

(Scalpel threw away my lunch after he found out what was in it.)

('But I like my big meal.')

(This means the documentary "Supersize me" is also banned.)

ooo

Rule# 96: Never let the 'cons look at hentai.

(Scalpel spent weeks trying to get every single image out of his processor.)

(That's the story of Scalpel.)

(The others, well lets not even go to them.)

ooo

Rule# 97: Don't try to explain the Rubix cube to Shockwave.

(He build his own gigantic Rubix cube.)

(Weeks later, I'm not even halfway through solving it.)

(He blames it on my undeveloped mind.)

(I dared him to do it.)

(He did...twice.)

(I am now sulking in the corner.)

ooo

Rule# 98: Do not let the 'cons watch the T.V. show 'Charmed'.

(I pointed out the Charmed ones are female, not male.)

(Scalpel said 'no' to changing all three seekers into femmes.)

(Its hard to get through the others processors that magic isn't real.)

(But I swear Starscream acts more like a femme than mech sometimes.)

ooo

Rule# 99: Do not tell Soundwave that you fear nothing.

(He will try to find out what scares you and use it against you in a computer stimulated environment.)

(When he found out I was scared of butterflies, I took revenge on his computer.)

(He said it was a 'pathetic attempt' at getting revenge.)

(I only smirked and went to my corner.)

(All the revenge tactics...)

ooo

Rule# 100: 'Your an angel that has fallen from the sky...Cause ya too fat!'

(I say this every time the seekers come back from their flies.)

(Thundercracker doesn't care.)

(Skywarp just laughs.)

(Starscream gets huffy.)

('I'm not fat.')

(He pouted, yes, pouted.)

(I actually thought it was cute)

ooo

Rule# 101: Ace Ventura is now banned from base.

(I wanted to be just like him.)

(So I took in Ravage as my pet tiger.)

(I think he liked all the attention I gave him.)

(Bumble's didn't like sharing.)

(I think I have a jealous kitten.)

(Two at that.)

ooo

Rule# 102: 'Smite me, oh mighty, smiter!"

(Quoting Bruce Almighty is only funny once.)

(Well it depends on when you say it.)

(Starscream was going to smite me, but Barricade turned the corner just in time.)

(Starscream still smirks at me whenever we're in the same room.)

(Smiting it not fun.)

(Not if your the smitee.)

ooo

Rule# 103: Whenever planning on smacking a 'con have a good reason to do so.

('Why'd you smack me!') Starscream exclaimed.

('It was a smacking moment and it just felt right to smack you.') I replied.

('Damn humans.' Was all he said.)

ooo

Rule# 104: If you are ever planning on threatening Megatron make sure Soundwave is not in the room.

(I made that mistake several times.)

(Soundwave went all, I Am Loyal, crap on me.)

(I was set to the naughty corner.)

ooo

Rule# 105: Never try to draw a face on Shockwave

(Just because he doesn't have one, doesn't give you a reason you draw a smily face with fangs while he is in recharge.)

(I, of course, didn't listen to my right mind.)

(Shockwave walked around base with a painted smily fanged face for two days before he found out.)

(I laughed so hard I couldn't stand straight.)

ooo

Rule# 106: Never sing the Jaws Theme song whenever a 'con walks into the room.

(Barricade and me stood behind the corners and sang the song just as the con walked towards the room.)

(It was either Megatron or Scalpel that always seemed to be the mechs that walk into that song.)

(Every 'con are cautious of the two now.)

(Not hard to understand why.)

(Lugnut is now scared of sharks.)

ooo

Rule# 107: Never try to kick a 'con in the Bolts

(I tried and surprisingly they fell over in pain holding said Bolts.)

(Holograms do feel pain.)

(Ask Skywarp.)

ooo

Rule# 108: Never try to be a secret agent.

(I tried to climb out the window.)

(To where you ask, to go clubbing of course.)

(Barricade caught me before I could even jump out the window.)

(And I mean Literally caught.)

ooo

Rule# 109: Never try to be the Psychiatrist for any 'con.

(This will only made you go Insane.)

(But also achieved.)

(I figured out that Megatron is not really Insane.)

(He's just Megatron.)

ooo

Rule# 110: Don't call abuse on any one.

(They will come back with good come-backs.)

(And you will be left feeling like dumb Slag.)

(I called abuse on Starscream all he said was, "Yeah, animal abuse!")

ooo

Rule# 111: Do not give the 'cons the Intelligence test.

'What color is the yellow car?'

(Megatron: Passed.)

(Barricade: Passed.)

(Frenzy: Surprisingly passed.)

(Soundwave: Passed Duh!)

(Starscream: Actually passed.)

'If a rooster laid and egg, which way will it roll?'

(Their expressions where priceless.)

ooo

Rule# 112: Never explain the human Reproduction cycle to any 'con. No matter how curious and persistent they are.

(I think I broke Soundwave, again.)

(Megatron had a go at me.)

(Yet again.)

(Who would'a thought that it would scar them so.)

(Hehehe, my bad.)

ooo

Rule# 123: Quoting Crocodile Dundee is a no-no.

'For washing your backside!' (Every 'con stared at me strangely.)

'You call that a knife, this is a knife!' (My favorite quote now.)

'G'day mate!' (Frenzy can't get enough of this greeting now.) (Very slowly getting on my nerves.)

'What tribe are you from?' 'I'm not from a tribe.' 'But your black right?' (Racist in a very funny yet annoying way.) (Sideway's said that to Jazz when they fought against each other.) (Jazz's reaction was to die for!)

ooo

**Authors Note: WOW, these chapters just seem getting longer and longer. But I'm trying to restrain myself from writing this much in one chapter. Or else I'll run out of ideas. Your ideas are welcome. **

**I want to thank everyone that gave me some rules to use. Especially those who started from the beginning and are with me now. Thanks!**


	7. Chapter 7

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still do not own Transformers. Though I do own several shirts, toys (Do not even ask why my mother bought me them) and a Decepticon necklace! How awesome!

List 7

-----------------

Rule# 124: Celebrating Birthday's is forbidden.

(The 'Cons had no idea what a birthday party was.)

(So being me, I made a list of all the things to do on a party.)

-Party games: Twister, Limbo, Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, balloon tossing and monopoly.

(Decepticons can't bend like us humans do.)

(I'm still not sure if it was a crack of metal or a scrape of a ped I heard on the ground.)

(But what I do know, is that Skywarp is walking around with a very noticeable hunch.)

(Pin the tail on the donkey, Starscream seemed to be more attracted to Megatron's aft then the actual donkey's.)

(Balloon tossing= Balloon filled with paint= Colorful robots.)

(By the end of my birthday I was beat, and the 'cons where in pain.)

(No more party games or Birthday's were ever allowed on base.)

(Never did get that present Barricade promised in the end.)

------------------

Rule# 125: Do not watch Herbie Fully loaded on movie night. Or any Herbie for that matter.

(Brawl didn't like the movie at all.)

(He said that the car was a fake.)

(I felt bad for Herbie when he was taken to the dump.)

(Sideways cringed when he saw Herbie driving around in half.)

('Go, Herbie! Go!')

------------------

Rule# 126: Do not quote Herbie Fully loaded either.

'I'm being Hijacked by my own Car!' (Barricade actually laughed at this.)

'Uh, that's not suppose to happen! That's suppose to be connected to something.' (Try saying this to some 'con in a conversation with a 'con in the middle of a busy room.) (You'd be surprised at how many looks said 'con gets.) (Poor, poor Sideways.)

------------------

Rule# 127: Since we are in a movie fever, never allow the 'cons to watch Sweeney Todd.

(They think humans are disgusting enough.)

(No point in showing them gulping down human pies.)

(Apparently Soundwave found a new thing to work with.)

(Cannibalism.)

(Frenzy tired to eat part of Starscream's leg.)

(I almost pissed myself!)

------------------

Rule# 128: Just because the 'cons don't have their own appointed Weapons specialist like the Autobot's do not under any circumstances name yourself one.

(I did a pretty good job of imitating Iron-aft.)

(I even managed to carve the name of the victim on the bullet.)

(So far Frenzy has 14 carved bullets.)

(Starscream: 9)

(Rumble: 16)

(No big surprise for the casseticons to be their, but I never thought that the rest would be there.)

(Megatron: 1, for punishing me for shooting Starscream.)

(Soundwave: 1 and a half. Haven't finished the latest one, I made sure it was golden incased.)

(And surprisingly Shockwave has one, and he is completely harmless.)

(On some occasions.)

-------------------

Rule# 129: Never call the 'con your brothers, homies, groupies, peeps or anything of that sort.

('Barricade, my brother! How are you going!?')

(Starscream actually thought I was Barricade's relative.)

(I am seriously questioning his mental health.)

('Do I even look like I have a steel aft!)

* * *

Rule# 130: 'Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit!'

(I said this one to many times, when talking to Starscream.)

(Sneezing while saying this actually looks convincing.)

(But then Scalpel gets called in.)

(I'm not sure humans are allowed to drink that much medicine.)

(Or be testing dummies to new formulas.)

------------------

Rule# 131: Back to Sweeney Todd, don't start singing the songs from it.

(Though I did enjoy it.)

(Megatron has a new theme song.)

('There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,

It's filled with people who are filled with shit.

And the vermin of the world inhabit it!')

(I sing this all the time.)

(Same with 'We all deserve to die!')

------------------

Rule# 132: Never have an Energon binge with the Combiners.

(They tried to combine.)

(And I was stuck in the middle of it.)

(Very uncomfortable in my point of view.)

(Well actually more of the view than the actual position.)

------------------

Rule# 133: Don't song the Barbie girl parody 'Ugly Girl' around any 'con femme.

(Blackarachnia nearly poisoned me when she heard the first line.)

('I'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl!')

(Little did Frenzy know that the rest of us femmes where standing 'round the corner.)

(Boy, did he run like the Satan's angels where after him.)

(Though I wouldn't consider slagged off femmes with guns twice your size angels.)

(I'm still trying to get my hit on him.)

(That bullet seems to just glow with his name!)

------------------

Rule# 134: Do not spike the energon with any human powder mix/drink. Even if this was mentioned before.

(Rumble has taken a very addicting liking to Kool Aid.)

(Its taking longer than expected to get him off of that.)

(Shockwave now has a thing for chocolate.)

(Never did find my missing Wonka Bar.)

(Though I did she strange brown slogges on his faceplate.)

(Too bad chocolate isn't healthy for robots.)

(Bumble was allowed to play 'Scratching post' with Shockwave until he recovered.)

* * *

Rule# 135: No matter how awesome that guy from Aladdin makes it look, do not try and make a snake dance while playing the flute.

(The snake in my room has taken an even worse liking to making its presence known in the most worst ways.)

(Bumble has a new friend.)

(But I'm starting to think that snake is rather possessive.)

(I asked Lugnut to get rid of it.)

(Never knew that he could scream that loud.)

(Apparently the snake had slithered into his inner workings.)

(We still can't find it.)

* * *

Rule# 136: Parties on base should be permitted before they take place.

(Apparently Megatron didn't like the idea of balloons and streamers hanging around the base.)

(I didn't see the problem.)

(That was until Frenzy and Rumble started playing with the streamers.)

(Once again Skywarp is a cripple.)

------------------

Rule# 137: Day dreaming about 'cons is a big no-no.

(Especially when Soundwave is around.)

(I still don't know why he fainted.)

(He still won't look at me in the eyes.)

-------------------

Rule# 138: Never decide to take the 'cons four-wheel driving.

(Quite hard to do with Blackout.)

(He just seemed to tag along.)

(Megatron had it easy since he was a tank.)

(Can't say the same for Sideways.)

(I was put through hell when they came back covered in Primus knows what.)

('What the slag!')

------------------

Rule# 139: Never quote Top gear. No matter how awesome they may seem.

'It's sinking!...Wait, it's floating!' (Its funny watching a jeep float across a river.) (Brawl had it tested.)

'My little donkey! Watch it save the Jeep, and the idiots Range Rover.' (Apparently size doesn't matter.) (Sideways had a new name.)

'Your car is only useful for taking up space and time! I mean, look a this. We've spent three hours trying to get your beast out of a ditch on the most dangerous road in the world!'

-----------------

Rule# 140: Never quote Arnold Schwarznegger.

'I'll be back.' (Skywarp says this everytime he leaves on a mission.)

'It's not a tuma!' (Try saying that with his accent.) (I had a laugh at this when they 'cons attempted it.) (Shockwave is actually good at mimicking voices.)

'Astala vista, baby.' (I heard this too many times on the battlefield.) (Surprisingly Megatron is the one that says it.) (You should have seen the 'bots faces.)

-------------------

Rule# 141: Barney the Dinosour is band from base.

(The song sends chills up everyones spine.)

(Even Megatrons.)

(Didn't help when Frenzy put it on repeat over the loud speaker.)

'I love you, you love me. We're one happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too!'

(I've never seen Starscream twitch that much.)

-------------------

Rule# 142: Never start a 'Your so fat' argument with Starscream.

(It's obvious you will loose.)

(Though I didn't give up.)

'Your so fat that when you jump into the ocean, the whales start singing We are Family!' (Said Starscream.)

'Your so fat that when you step onto the scale it says 'To be continued.' (Said Me.)

'Your so fat that it takes a bus, two trains and a cab to get on your good side.' (Said Starscream.)

'Your so fat you got arrested at the airport for possession of ten pounds of crack.' (Said me.)

'Your so fat that when your pager goes off, people think you're backing up.' (Said Starscream.)

(Then my pager finally decided to make its presence known.)

(I never wanted to kill Starscream more in my life.)

* * *

Rule# 143: 'Lets face it, this is not the worst thing you caught my doing.'

(I love using this when the 'cons catch me doing something I usually don't do.)

(Like filling Barricade's Energon cube with mentos.)

(Or when they see me walked around base in only a towel.)

(Or when they see me dancing around Megatron singing.)

(That was something I would never forget.)

'Hehehe.'

-------------------

Rule# 144: Do not quote TMNT.

'Are these your friend?' 'Brothers actually.' 'Ah, I can see the resemblance.' 'I'm the Pretty one!' (You gotta love Mikey.)

'Exsqueeze me!?'

'C'mon Leo, Move it! I don't wanna be starin' at your butt any longer than I already have to!' (I use this on the 'cons all the time.) (I mean why wouldn't you, half the time your either trying to catch their attention while the other time your staring at the wrong side of them.)

'I think you have your mask on too tightly. The oxygen isn't making it into your brain.' (There's one of these in every family.) (Starscream actually sounded smart for the first time.)

-------------------

Rule# 145: If playing Hide and Seek with the 'cons make sure you do not hide in a cardboarrd box in the middle of the rec room.

(Bloody obvious hiding spot if you ask me.)

(Though they sure took their time looking for me.)

(Finally Starscream lifted the box away.)

(All I said was, 'Damn, this was meant to be fool proof!')

-------------------

**AN: And this is what, chapter 7. I wish to thanks those you suggested rules and all. ****Alec Weston, MIScrazyAboutFanfics, and anyone else my stupid brain didn't mention. But that doesn't mean that you are not appreciated. You all hold a place in my heart. **

**Now back to business, your suggestion help so don't be afraid to give some in. Reviews are good as well. XD**


	8. Chapter 8

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still do not own Transformers. Being the big fan I am (When I say big I mean it) I own heaps of merchandise. Currently playing with my Bumblebee and Ratchet transforming figurines. (A lot a big words there.)

List 8

Rule# 146: Don't try to hypnotize the 'Cons with massive amounts of booty shaking.

(Damn you Whose line!)

(They still can't look at me.)

(I actually thought Barricade broke something laughing that hard.)

(You could hear him coming from the other side of the base.)

(Something was rattling inside him.)

Rule# 147: If you ever plan on threatening a 'Con make sure that you have a bribe to counter it.

(Threatening Megatron is hard.)

(Though I did some how manage to get him to pay attention once I mentioned a certain Autobot.)

(In the end I got what I want.)

(Megatron eventually found out that the autobot was not coming.)

(My excuse was, 'I was practicing my threatening skills. I wanna grow up to be like you.')

Rule# 148: Mr Bean has been banned from the base.

(I actually started threatening the 'cons into giving me back my Mr Bean DVD's)

(No-one shall ever touch my Mr Bean collection.)

(After several cases of tantrums and all I was finally allowed it back.)

(Very reluctantly.)

Rule# 149: Never try pull a Mr Bean and get dressed in the car.

(Barricade was slightly disturbed when I started steering with my feet.)

(While trying to pull my pants on.)

(Then brushing my teeth and using the window cleaning water to rinse.)

(At least I arrived on time for my dentist appointment.)

(I still can't find my right sock.)

Rule# 150: This is to all you 'Cons out there. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not attempt to scare us humans.

(When you scare us humans prepare yourself for two things, The High Pitched Scream and The After Shock Wrath.)

(I became the test dummy for the 'Cons.)

(And out come the butterflies!)

(I screamed!)

(And screamed.)

(And got out my trusty gun.)

(I went through five rounds before I moved onto the broom stick.)

(Soundwave can't hear sound now.)

Rule# 151: Do not charge your phone in Soundwave's office.

(How was I to know that I unplugged the main switch.)

(Though it was funny watching the others try and find the cause of the system crash.)

(Soundwave was not present for this event.)

(All the more fun for me.)

Rule# 152: Do not allow the 'Cons to find your hidden stack of video games.

(Call of Duty: if very addictive.)

(Crash Nitro cart: Insanely addictive.)

(Grand Theft Auto: Any one is a badly addictive one.)

(I laughed at the amounts of time Starscream lost Nitro cart.)

(The gapped at the amount of times Shockwave finished Call of Duty.)

(Until further notice the X-box 360 is banned from the base.)

(...Hehehe, they didn't say anything about my room.)

Rule# 153: Never play Russian Roulette with the 'Cons.

(Soundwave has survived the longest so far.)

(Shockwave not far behind them.)

(Thank Primus that no-one is using REAL guns.)

(Stun guns hurt like slag!)

(We have yet another cripple clone on the base.)

(Ramjet...)

Rule#: 154: Do not play Marco-Polo with Rumble, Frenzy or Ravage.

(Though it was fun at the time when the base was covered in smoke, inside and out.)

(Ravage hunting skills can scare any 'con and person.)

(I couldn't sleep that night.)

(Even if my door was locked and Soundwave had ordered Ravage not to touch me.)

(I can hear him purring outside.)

Rule# 155: Two and a Half Men is to be watched by those who understand the crude jokes.

"Getting hurt is like a boys job. Last summer Jake actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub." (Hearing Barricade say this to Sideways was funny.) (Though a slight name change fixed anything odd up.) (Though the fractured aft did happen.) (...Frenzy.)

"Bought some hamburgers, bought the Hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats" (I am now banned from Burger King.) (I still have that collection of hats in my room.)

" Back off, Mary Poppins!" (This comes in handy.) (A lot with giant 'cons around.)

"Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here." (Just too funny not to use.) (Works all the time.)

Rule# 156: In addition to no watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. do not quote it.

"I'm having a slight case of nudity here." (Scalpel wanted to give me a check up.) (I ran.) (Right after he told me to take off all my cloths.) (...Slagging perverted medics, even the miniature ones.)

"Who died and made you Elvis?" (That's what came up in my oh-so wonderful conversation with the Fallen.) (He did not get the joke.)

"I know you've been out of the game for a while but we still kill people." (Starscream said this to Barricade, just because he wasn't in the battle in Egypt.) (I countered that with a 'Lay off him, Slag head.')

Rule# 157: Never leave Frenzy alone if you are told to 'baby' sit him.

(He trashed Megatron's room.)

(And Soundwave's)

(And Starscream's...)

(I only turned my back on him for a minute!)

Rule# 158: Do not play Demi Lovato's "La La Land' just to annoy everyone.

("I'm not a supermodel, I still eat Mcdonald's, baby that's just me...")

(Really ticked off Scalpel and Soundwave with that line.)

Rule# 159: Never watch Gilmore Girls around listed 'Cons.

(Soundwave, Starscream, Frenzy, Rumble, or Bonecrusher.)

(The others are cool.)

(The other 'Cons don't get the whole concept of it being a 'Family show')

(Blackout thinks Alexis Bledel is 'hot' and won't stop listening to the theme song.)

(Boy, has he got a couple screws loose up there.)

(He sang it while consuming High Grade.)

("Where you lead, I will follow anywhere that you tell me to...")

(Creepy in a way but extremely funny.)

(Laughed myself to stitches when the 'Cons started complaining.)

Rule# 160: No matter how funny Ace Ventura may be, his quote are only to be used when appropriate.

"If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer." (You do not know how many time I've heard this.) (Gets boring after a while.) (But that doesn't seem to stop Skywarp from using it.)

"Sounds broken." "Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though."

"Warning, assholes are closer than they appear." (I use this when-ever I look in the side view mirror.)

"It's Alive. IT"S ALIVE!" (When-ever some-one finally decides to come out to recharge.) (Mainly Starscream.)

"Well, I'm not ready for a relationship yet. But, thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. You number's still 911? All righty then." (This came up in a conversation with Barricade.) (His expression was priceless.)

"How can I be gettin zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?" "Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphins head. I am saying to Snowflake, 'Akay!...Akay, akay, akay?' und he is saying 'Akay, Akay' und he is up ze tail 'Eeeeeeee' und you can quote him!" (I have become Blitzwing's new best friend.) (We're all made of the same skin.) (Were tight!)

"I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear."

"Holy testicle Tuesday!"

"I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!" (You should have seen each of their faces.) (Rumble's was priceless!)

"Holy shitballs."

Rule# 161: No matter how fun it is to quote TMNT, only talking turtles can say things and make it seem cool.

"What Russian novel, embraces more than 500 characters, is set in the Napoleotic wars?" (They still don't know the answer.)

"Good thing these guys aren't lumberjacks." "No joke. The only ting safe in the woods...would be the trees!" (This coming from the lonely and scared human hiding behind the trees while the autobots are kicking 'con aft.) (Not very assuring I tell you.)

"It talks!"

"Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?" (I only say this when things get nasty.)

"Why? Why- Oh I don't know, 'cause I wanted to redecorate. You know, a couple of throw pillows, a TV news reporter, what do ya think?" (It may seem funny now, but taking a real News reporter hostage as a bargaining tool was not funny.) (I had to convince Megatron that I was a much better bargaining tool.) (It worked and the loony guy was gone.)

"Boy, and I thought insurance salesmen were pushy." (This can refer to Autobot's too.) (Not that I have anything against those rainbow 'bots.)

"Don't know, but I bet it never had to look for a can-opener." (You gotta love Mikey.) (He speaks my language, even though he's a turtle.)

"Wise man say forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza." (This quote comes in handy.) (Especially when you live with the 'cons.)

"Cowabunga!"

"It's a kodak moment" (It was.)

"Cricket? No-body understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!" (This is only funny if you really do understand what cricket is.) (Took Hook a while though.) (He's one scary mech.) (Scary, but cool.)

"That was close. Whoa, time to switch to decaf." (Frenzy, you made the right choice.)

"Yeah, Dude and Dudettes, major-league butt-kicking is back in town."

RUle# 162: The Condom test is banned from base.

(Fill the Condom up with water.)

(Try every possible way to pop it.)

(Nothing worked.)

(But it was worth seeing Starscream's face change from horror to amusement.)

(In the end all you needed was a good built in missile homing system.)

(...Starscream.)

**Though this wasn't as long and fun as the other chapters I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I do recommend you watch Ace Ventura, both of them. Trying not to laugh once would be very, very hard. **

**And thanks you to all those who helped with this chapter. I give you a shout.**

**Tatyana Witwicky, B B Godzilla, JONASBROTHERSLUV, MISCrasyaboutfanfics. **

**You are very appreciated, I give you my love and Ace Ventura's card. More offers are accepted, and review. Love to hear what you think. XD**


	9. Chapter 9

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still do not own Transformers. Being the big fan I am (When I say big I mean it) I own heaps of merchandise. Currently playing with my Bumblebee and Ratchet transforming figurines. (A lot a big words there.) **MISCrasyaboutfanfics**

List 9

Rule# 163: Running out of the toilets screaming, "Who left the seat down?" is not funny.

(Starscream didn't get the joke.)

(Frenzy almost had a spark attack when I ran past him, screaming like a mad woman.)

(In the end, no one confessed.)

Rule# 164: Do not make or attempt to write a 'How to look after Decepticons for idiots.'

(Funny as it was.)

(They didn't appreciate it.)

(Especially when it got to the bathing part.)

(...They do not like bubble baths.)

(Learned that from experience.)

Rule# 167: Shaving cream is not snow, there fore shall not be used as snow.

(Frenzy.)

(Rumble!)

(The autobots didn't know what hit them.)

(Though I did when I received the bill.)

(So far they owe me more than $784.)

(Precious money that could have been used against Starscream.)

Rule# 168: Playing Hot Seat with the 'cons is not allowed.

'How many times have you dreamed about doing something naughty with Soundwave?'

(Skywarp chocked on his Energon.)

(While Thundercracker replied.)

'Enough to know that it would scar more mechs that any battle.'

(That shut up any questions the others wanted to ask.)

(Having Starscream in the Hot Seat is a big no-no.)

'Do you ever have dreams about me?'

(He never answered.)

(And I am left wondering.)

Rule# 169: How to train your dragon is banned from base

(I managed to collect every single toy in the Happy Meal boxes.)

(But I had to throw them out, since _some-one_ stepped on them.)

(It wasn't my fault I left them standing in a triangle with Frenzy holding the bowling ball.)

(Dragon Bowling is fun.)

(If you have something to knock over, that is.)

Rule# 170: Funeral's for friends as not to take place in the Rec room.

(My fish Benny died.)

( I invited everyone he knew in his life to come.)

(Every mec on base was there.)

(Much to there annoyance.)

Rule# 171: Iron man 2 is also banned from base.

(Its always the Russian's that are the bad guys.)

(Frenzy wanted to take Ironman on.)

(He thought he could beat him because he was a faker.)

(Hey! Ironman is cool!)

(I asked Soundwave to make me a suit.)

('Oops. I think that was my fault')

(Yes, I did get a replica of the suit.)

(Though it is a tight fit.)

(...very tight fit.)

(Every one now scatters like flies when they here me say 'oops')

(I have that effect on them.)

Rule# 172: 'Get your own roof' is too old to use any more.

(Starscream always used this when he was fighting Autobots in the cities.)

(Seemed to get that extra effect on them.)

(Though everyone thought he was crazier than usual when he didn't want to leave 'his' roof.)

('Those auto_scum_'s wont get this roof, no matter what. I bet my spark on it!')

(...We just left him there.)

Rule# 173: Never, EVER, watch the 101 Dalmatians movies (Either animated of live) with the con's around.

(Frenzy and Rumble wouldn't stop singing 'Cruella De Vil' whenever the femmes came around.)

(It got worse when Megatron, Starscream or Lugnut came around.)

(They also wanted 99 dalmatian puppies.)

(Bumbles didn't like that one bit.)

(Soundwave and Megatron both said, "Frag No!")

(I would too.)

Rule# 174: Do not quote Marvin the Martian. I Love that guy.

'I'm going to blow it up. It obstructs my view of Venus.' (I kept saying this when a mech was standing in front to me.) (They took it quite seriously.)

'Where is the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth shattering kaboom! The eludium pu36 explosive space modulator! That creature has stolen the space modulator! Delays, delays!'

'Brace yourself for immediate disintegration!' (This traveled around the base rather quickly) (Though it was said one to many times when Starscream walked into the room.) (I loved his expressions.)

'Nevertheless, no earth creature is going to contaminate my atmosphere!' (I am very insulted.) (Megatron seems to like using this whenever I come around.) (Same with Shockwave, and Soundwave.) (I was surprised when Barricade said his too!)

'You make me very angry...very angry!' (Repeating things seems to have a double effect on the target.) (Hehehe...)

Rule# 175: Do not quote The Simpsons, no matter the situation.

'Oh, no. You got the wrong number. This is 9-1...2' (It was an Emergency Barricade!) (I was in dire need of your help) (But noooo! You just **Had** to get that wax!)

'I'm normally not a praying *man*, but if your up there, please save me, Superman.' (Superman never came.) (Instead I got a very pissed off Seeker.)

'Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems.' (In the end it never did solve the problem of where my $20 bill went.)

'A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds...its makes ice.' (And they where **just** being nice.) (The girls sure showed them...)

'Facts are meaningless! You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!' (We never did understand why Rumble kept using that as his comeback when ever he had nothing to say.) (But we did now that facts were facts and that Rumble was cracked.)

'You don't win friends with salad!' (They all started singing this when I saw eating my *human* food.) (Geez, can't even live a day without being loner-ized.) (Damn you, Tuna salad!)

'I've had it with this school! Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...'

'Donuts, is there anything they can't do!' (I have grown fond of my donut maker.) (Its fun watching the little blobs of doe turn into something so delicious!)

Rule# 176: Grocery shopping with Frenzy, Rumble or Barricade is highly not recommend.

(They are just like kids watching the discovery channel.)

(That day I answered, 371 questions.)

(All about food.)

(Half of it I didn't know.)

(I was almost tempted to smash cake in there faces.)

Rule# 177: Screaming at the top of your lungs when pissed off is not a good way to get attention.

(I was confined to my Get Away room for three days.)

(Baring teeth and growling when the 'cons try and ring you food only proves the human race weirder.)

Rule# 178: Making fun of where I come from is a big no-no.

('Oh, I need to go now. The kangaroo is beating up my dog.')

(It is only funny when I say it.)

(It was stupid though.)

(Now al the 'cons are making jokes about me.)

(I was once again tempted to get echidna's and stuff them into there gears.)

(See how they like it.)

Rule# 179: Trying to get Soundwave to sing is very hard.

(I tried.)

(I failed.)

(Seem to be doing that a lot with Soundwave around.)

(Apparently 'Twinkle Twinkle little star' was not his type of song.)

(Though I think I did hear him singing once.)

(He keeps on denying it though.)

**AN: I am very sorry for the lateness of this. I am trying to get past my school dead mind. But apart from that I want to thank MIScrasyaboutfanfics for her help, and any one else's I forgot about. This month seriously has got me brain dead. I'll try and upload another chapter soon. **

**Review and give me your ideas too! **


	10. Chapter 10

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still do not own Transformers. Being the big fan I am (When I say big I mean it) I own heaps of merchandise. Currently playing with my Bumblebee and Ratchet transforming figurines. (A lot a big words there.)

List 10

Rule# 180: Never randomly start singing Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire'.

(For obvious reasons.)

(I got in trouble because Soundwave thought I was the one to set the kitchen alight.)

(I was pissed.)

(Lets just say the poor soul that did start the fire is lucky I don't know them.)

Rule# 181: Do not try to explain the Toy Story movies to Shocky or 'Wave.

(Its hard enough to watch the movie with them around.)

(Let alone explain it.)

(I still have a headache.)

Rule# 182: In fact, don't even try to explain any Pixar movies to the 'cons.

(They wondered why the cars in the movie Car's where not real cybertronians, just talking vehicles.)

(Frenzy is scared of Grasshoppers after watching A Bug's life)

(Barricade started to wonder if anything else apart from humans could cook Ratatoullie.)

(They tried to stick a rat in my hair.)

(I was not happy.)

(.Bit.)

Rule# 183: Tying the 'cons to very heavy objects just to watch them suffer is apparently not a source of entertainment.

(Shockwave didn't understand why he couldn't get out of Megatron's throne room.)

(Megatron's wrath afterwards was golden.)

(Starscream had to get his aft plates re-molded.)

(Yes...he pulled that hard.)

Rule# 184: Supergluing anything that part of a cybertronian to anything solid is not recommended.

(Soundwave spends enough time watching the screens, no need to actually stick him in front of the screen.)

(Though it was funny watching all the expressions of anger and shock pass over him.)

(Megatron does take action if you glue his soldiers to chairs.)

(I got a damn long look at that aft let me tell you.)

(And it was big.)

(...Very hard to scrape glue off though.)

Rule# 185: 'We are separated from America by a common language'

('Good'aye mate!')

('Huh?' Was my only response.)

(Proves the difference between us and them.)

(I enjoy tormenting the 'cons with my accent.)

('Let's throw a shrimp on the barbie, aye!')

Rule# 186: 'I wanna kill him!'...'Take a number and get in the line.'

(Starscream has a long number of people and 'cons in his line.)

(Surprisingly, Shockwave is not that far behind.)

(Bumbles hasn't stopped hissing whenever he comes into the room.)

(I have yet to get my go.)

(But Megatron can only die so many times.)

('...ah, shame.')

Rule# 187: Never play the 'Wow, what a night' game with the 'cons.

(I swear none of them have a sense of humor.)

(Crawling onto there berths is one thing, trying not to get squished when they try and roll over. And then finally saying 'Wow, what a night,' Once they wake up is always one way to get your revenge.)

(Megatron almost had a spark attack and for the rest of the day had a twitch in his optic whenever I came around.)

(Skywarp still winks at me.)

(Barricade still hasn't gotten over it.)

Rule# 189: Making an account for each of the decepticon's holo on a dating program is not recommended.

(I'm still surprised at the number of followers they have, of should I say requests.)

(Starscream, surprisingly is leading.)

(Soundwave not far behind.)

(Then surprisingly Blackout.)

(I still can't get over it though.)

('Hey, Screamer! Miki is still waiting for that date you promised her!')

(Gets him every time.)

(...but now I believe he has become sexist.)

(Aft head!)

Rule# 190: Flicking lego pieces around the base with rubber bands isn't recommended for children under the age of 4.

(I think I got one stuck in Skywarp's transformation gears so he can't transform into his jet mode properly.)

(I nearly laughed my ass off when he ended up with his legs around his head in a pretzel position.)

(Though his face wasn't visible.)

(...some-where buried in his crotch.)

(I hit Shockwave in the optic with the big red piece.)

('I didn't mean it! I mean I just confused it for a bulls-eye!')

(I winced when that came out sounding wrong.)

(...Aww...slag.)

Rule# 191: Never mess with any femme when they have _that_ time of the month. Yes, ladies, _that _time.

(Frenzy had the unfortunate meeting of my _other_ side.)

(No-one asked where I got the paint cans from.)

(Soundwave tried to sedate me in hopes of stopping me.)

(I then ran away and told Megatron.)

(Not that that did anything!)

(...I am a girl, but what excuse does Starscream have to act pissy?)

(One shall never know.)

Rule# 192: The game, Shoot, Shag and Marry is to only be played behind closed doors.

(No, Frenzy this doesn't mean you can surround us in door.)

(Blackanarchia, Barricade, Rumble, Frenzy and me decided to play, later on joined by Blitzwing.)

('So Blitzwing, who would you shoot, shag and marry out of...Mikaela, Rebecca and...Starscream?')

(His reaction was funny.)

(Never seeing his face change that fast.)

(But in the end we got our results.)

(He shot Starscream...no surprise there.)

(Shagged Mikaela.)

(Yep, and lucky ol' me got ta marry him.)

(Were the base's new Couple!)

Rule# 193: In case of a Autobot attack alarm never say the following.

'Shizel, minezel! Those dudes are at it again!' (This will get you a few odd stares.)

'Okay, everybody calm down. Remember what I taught you. Stop, drop and roll' ( I then continued to do the following.) (I was greatly surprised when Blitzwing stopped and did the same.)

'Now where did I put that super-life-savers-guide-to-stay-afloat-in-case-of-a-boat-crash?' (THis once again got me odd stares and a few odd comments as to where that book may be.)

'Ahh! Their raining down like visitors from heaven!' (I think I heard Ratchet ask Optimus if he should take me with them to get me checked.)

'Nobodies gonna get me! Nobody!' (I continued to laugh maniacally for the next three or four minutes.)

Rule# 194: If you wish to remain in tact with your body, Do NOT call me short.

(I seriously do not know how many times this has happened.)

(The winner by far has been Starscream.)

(Not that that's surprising.)

(I have now created an 'only cool shortie group' which I must say so myself is the best thing ever!)

(Barricade is my favorite shortie now!)

(Even Megatron joined the club.)

(I still don't know how he managed that.)

Rule# 195: Red contacts and fake glow in the dark fangs are now banned from base.

(It happened so fast I didn't know what to do.)

(First, the make-up and the contacts and fangs. Then the hideously high girly scream followed by a miniature earthquake after. )

(It took Skywarp a while to recover from the shock, only to find my plastered on his faceplates laughing my head off.)

(He was once again sent onto a comatose.)

(We have concluded. We being Barricade, Shockwave, surprisingly, and Blitzwing that Skywarp is scared of Vampires.)

(Life at the base is never dull.)

(Especially if you let a bat fly into the base.)

(Now that was a ball!)

**AN: I know this took longer than I thought, but life has been crazy and I had a mental melt down. All my ideas seemed to fly out the window. UNtil NOW! Yes, I am back and alive for those who are wanting to skin me alive for the long wait. **

**I also wanted to dedicate this to Tatyana Witwicky, who was wonderful enough to allow me to copy her idea and write this. Her first 'Guidelines' has been completed and now we must move onto the next! Which it a ball! Go and read my fellow readers, but don't forget about me. I do have a soul even though I love Decepticons more. XD Keep in touch and review! **


	11. Chapter 11

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still do not own Transformers. Being the big fan I am (When I say big I mean it) I own heaps of merchandise. Currently playing with my Bumblebee and Ratchet transforming figurines. (A lot a big words there.)

List 11

**oo**

Rule# 196: Filing events or certain documents with funny names gets on every 'cons nerves. Highly recommend you **DO** not do. But never file it under the same thing.

'Shockwave, file this under '_I shall never eat fries and spaghetti together again'_ (His reaction was funny, well I couldn't really see it.) (But imagining it would be.)

'File this under '_That's a bugger'_

'File this under _'If you ever want to piss off Starscream, make sure to clear a path, find a good hiding spot, and one hell of a back-up plan if things don't go right. Which is most of the time.' _(The full story for this has yet to be typed up and edited by yours truly.) (Megatron finds it amusing to read about.)

'Frenzy, we shall file this under '_One hell of a utility bill. End of story.' _(This was a tough one to handle.)

**oo**

Rule# 197: Please for the love of everything that lives, do NOT make bad puns.

'Starscream do you want some Stars Cream?' (Yes, the ever so lame Rumble said this.) (Though it gave every one a good laugh.) (I was eating ice-cream at that time.)

'Well that sucks' (I said, while still dressed in my vampire costume)

(Further puns have yet to be added to this part.)

(Our minds have yet to conjure up the courage to say them.)

(But that's what I'm for!)

**oo**

Rule# 198: It has been rumored that Sideways has been serving Unicron, do not accuse him of this.

(He's like a brother to me!)

(And I know my tools)

(He said repeatedly that he doesn't, so please stop asking!)

(Even Soundwave can prove this!)

(Skywarp learned a little to late about this fact and had to face my wrath.)

(He still walks around with a clanking sound in his leg.)

(Most likely my Handle Saw.)

**oo**

Rule# 199: What to never say during an interrogation of an autobot captive.

'Is it me or is it getting hot in here!' (This got me some very odd stares.)

'Oh my gosh! Its your! Its really you!' (Then continue on to stare at said bot with dreamy eyes.) (It always gets funny reactions from the 'cons)

**oo**

Rule# 200: Super glue the feet of each decepticon to the ground during a meeting.

(It was hilarious to see them attempt to stand up!)

(I tapped the whole thing too!)

(Starscream's reaction was the funniest)

('Nooo! I'm going to be grounded forever! Save me Primus! Save me!') (This continued on for a while)

(I found it hard to stick Dead End's feet to the ground though. So I just went for the next big thing. His aft.)

(Holy Primus! I nearly chocked with laughter!)

**oo**

Rule# 201: While they are very patiently waiting for orders in there disguised vehicles, tie said vehicle to a very heavy object.

(Barricade had a lot of problems when he found himself stuck in the same spot after flooring it.)

(His cursing was heard all through the base.)

(Sideway's was my next target,)

(He never did make it out in one piece.)

(Well all I can say it, Hook had a fun time piecing together Sideway's aft.)

(Oops, my bad.)

**oo**

Rule# 202: Never fiddle with Soundwave's computer.

(I accidently removed all the icons and the menu bar.)

(Then changed the background to a picture of Optimus Prime.)

(He had trouble with this problem.)

(Damn, his telepathic powers.)

(I was put on cleaning duty for an eternity afterwards.)

(I can still hear him cussing in his office.)

(And its been a week.)

**oo**

Rule# 203: 'Are you dead?'

(It seemed to be asked a lot around the base, nowadays.)

(I found Barricade passed out near the entrance and seriously thought he was killed, so I called in Starscream.)

(He was not that far away too.)

(The first thing he asked was, 'Are you dead?')

(The reply we got was, 'Frag off,')

(Next target to this was, Skywarp.)

(Not that we were actually waiting for an answer.)

(Me and Barricade just walked away.)

(We were about to set up a funeral when he walked through the door.)

**oo**

Rule# 204: Never play the 'what does this stand for' game.

(It never did turn out like planned.)

'What does 'G'Day' stand for? a) God be with you today. b) have a gay and merry day. c) Good day, to all my fellow autobots.

(I didn't give them other choices.)

(I was surprised for how many blank looks I got.)

(They didn't know what it meant, but most went after option 'b' and 'c'.)

'What does 'YMCA' stand for?'

(This was a great one. A lot of memories still linger from this event.)

(Shockwave's reply was, 'Your mother's can aft.')

(No one questioned when or how he got there, not even after he walked away with a jump in his step.)

'So...whose up for round two?'

**oo**

Rule# 205: Pumpkin Carving should not be allowed.

(Most of the Pumpkins never made it through the eye carving stage.)

(They didn't even made it past Barricade's hands)

(He just kept complaining on how weak and easily squishable they where.)

(We gave up after 27 pumpkins)

**oo**

Rule# 206: The Imbecile test is banned, after the last several tests.

(I managed to plug my Ipod into the giant t.v camera screen.)

(Shockwave took his time figuring out the dots.)

(He ended up counting 327 dots.)

(Then he started complaining that his answer was not an option.)

(Thundercracker never passed the color test.)

(I found it so funny at how human and stupid they could act.)

(I am so far leading, by getting up to the 8+8=91 part.)

(I have yet to figure out the answer.)

**oo**

Rule# 207: The song 'We no Speak Americano' is banned from base.

(Pa Pa Americano!)

(Urgh! My brain still aches whenever I think of it!)

(Frag you Frenzy, frag you all to hell!)

**oo**

Rule# 208: Never do or say this during a shopping spree in walmart.

'I'm so pissed off.' ( I couldn't find my favorite hot chocolate mix.) 'Its better to be pissed off than pissed on' (Barricade replied.) (I had a very big urge to smack him over the head.) (Impossible git!)

(I dared Barricade to put boxes of condoms in random peoples trollies.)

(One of them being a little old innocent lady.)

(Who turned out not to be so innocent as we thought.)

'What are you doing?' (Barricade seemed startled to see me walking around pressed against the walls humming the Mission Impossible song.) 'Shhh, I sense a disturbance in the air. And I suspect its to do with that old man.'

"Pick me! Pick me!' (I continued to shout this every time someone passed my spot on the clothes rack.) (I was kicked out of the store a few minutes later.)

'Pikachu, I choose you!' (I continued to throw several bouncy balls all over the place, screaming pokemon names.) (I hit a kid in the head several times though.)

**oo**

Rule# 209: Do not say this during a break in.

'Soundwave, activate the forcefields!' (That was Megatron.) '...What forcefield?' (What Soundwave's ever so smart reply.) (I smacked myself in the forehead and dropped on the ground laughing my aft off.)

'Okay, no body panic! All we have to do is-' (Big explosion.) '-AHHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!' (Not only will this scare away any living thing in the room, 'bots and 'cons alike will question your sanity.)

'Just wait, all we have to do it find a perfect diversion and then make a run for it.' (Many 'cons suggested me as the diversion.) (We changed plans quickly after that.)

'Okay, what's Plan A?' (I asked.) (Every one looked at me oddly.) "Okay, what's plan B then?' (I still got no response.) 'Does anybody have a plan?' (Even after the attack no plans were made.)

**oo**

**AN: I know this took long, but I hope you people think its worth it, because I certainly don't! I owe every single one of you another chapter! I will be up soon! **

**Review and tell me what you think. And send in your suggestions as well! **


	12. Chapter 12

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers. This makes me sad. So, to cheer myself up, I'm planning on giving you guys a chance to tell me in 20 words what you like about Transformers. I'll rate your little speech-y thing and see what happens from then on...Maybe I could write a chapter dedicated to you or even a one-shot of your choice based on this Guideline.

**Autaumn Wolf, MIScrasyaboutfanfics, (Have been given permission to use Peaches), Tiara Light, T.F.F.G, **

List 12

**oo**

Rule# 210: Giving Frenzy and Rumble a packet of condoms and string is not a good choice.

(I came back to my room to find it filled with condom balloon animals. Tied up on string.)

(Very disconcerting on the others parts.)

(But for me...)

(I have fun taking them down.)

**oo**

Rule# 211: Never leave any chapstick or any other forms of make-up in the 'cons alt forms.

(Apparently the little things always make the biggest mistakes.)

(I think I broke Sideways again.)

(But I swear it wasn't me that time!)

(After that incident all my make-up has mysteriously disappeared.)

(Not that I can't guess at who took it.)

**oo**

Rule# 212: When Sideways is out with his Autobot girlfriend Peaches do not disturb him unless its an emergency.

(And dealing with my antics is not an emergency.)

(Usually...)

(The little faith the 'cons have in me.)

*sigh*

**oo**

Rule# 213: Do not make fun of Peaches' name!

(She got a bit pissed off with me.)

(Well actually that's an understatement.)

(I still can't sit down properly with that bruise on my aft.)

(She threw me into a wall...)

(And then started screaming in languages I didn't know she could speak.)

**oo**

Rule# 214: Do not read Rumble and Frenzy the 'Ramona Quimby' books.

(Lets just say they squirted my whole tube of toothpaste into the sink when they decided to make a 'cake')

(It was my favorite flavor too!)

(They then put a rubber toy in some food I was baking.)

(That was not a good result.)

(Then scribble there names on my library books.)

(I paid the fines afterwards.)

(...you don't know how angry I was after that.)

(Never anger an Aussie with a shotgun and broom.)

**oo**

Rule# 215: Eating these foods in front of the 'cons is not recommended.

Sushi (They already think of us as weird creatures.) (No point in proving there point by eating sea-weed.)

Tripe (Starscream started to wonder what other parts of animal we could eat.) (He was mildly disturbed at what he found.)

Insects covered in chocolate. (Oops, my bad.) (They ran out of the room feeling less then pleased with humans.) (I swear I didn't know they where crickets!)

Rooster fries.

Gummy worms. Gummy babies, and gummy anything. (Shockwave asked why I would eat babies.) (My reply was, 'One baby...two baby...three baby...four baby') (This when on until he couldn't take it no more.)

Grasshopper Ice-cream (This tastes better than it sounds.) (Frenzy didn't think so.) (I still give him credit for trying.) (Though his heating system didn't work afterwards.)

Death by Chocolate (This is my favorite!) (I didn't die literally.)

**oo**

Rule# 216: The song 'Under my skin' by Paddendorf has been banned from the base after a certain incident.

(Well only after Soundwave saw the version with him in it.)

(I have no bloody idea how that happened but it was down right hilarious!)

(I tried to convince him to do it!)

(Frenzy, Rumble and me put on a show as an example for what Soundwave would do.)

(But in the end all I got was a hole lot of kiddy corner...)

**oo**

Rule# 217: All music related items are banned from base until further notice.

(Oops.)

(I can't help shaking my groove whenever a good song comes on.)

(Or even sing for that matter.)

(They thought I was having a seizure.)

(*sigh* when will they ever learn?)

**oo**

Rule# 218: If you see Soundwave breaking it down in his room, move along and don't stay to enjoy the show.

(He is one heck of a dancer!)

(I apparently didn't get the memo when I found him breakdancing to 'Flo Rider')

(Apparently he saw me and stopped.)

(Enter the awkward silence for a few minutes.)

(...I never heard the end of it.)

(And he didn't even start.)

**oo**

Rule# 219: 'I see London, I see France. I see your underpants.'

'I see London, I see France. I don't see Starcream's underpants!'

(Running underneath 'cons is a great source of entertainment.)

'I see London, I see France. I don't see Frenzy's underpants!'

**oo**

Rule# 220: Setting up the base with trampolines then continuing to jump on them to one side of the room to the other is banned until further notice.

(I found the loophole in that rule)

(Poor, Poor Shockwave. Imagine what he must have went through when he saw a human jumping around like a lunatic around the room.)

(I'd have to say it was fun!)

(Though I stacked it so many times I lost count.)

(Bumbles even managed to play along with me.)

(Though I lost sight of him once Rumble came into the room.)

**oo**

Rule# 221: Do not pretend to have control over the elements.

(You should leave that to the Aang and Katara.)

(Frenzy wanted to control fire and quite literally installed a flame thrower into his palm.)

(I just carried a hose around with me.)

(Starscream wasn't happy at all.)

(Skywarp joined in by pretending to be Aang.)

(He froze himself to the ground and burnt half his paint off.)

(I was too busy dying of laugher to help.)

**oo**

Rule# 222: Quoting the Autobots is not recommended.

(One- They copy right everything they say now.)

(Two- It immensely annoys the 'cons.)

(Three- Only the 'bots can make 'con jokes funny.)

(Take for example 'Giant Dorrito of Doom.')

(Its funny the first time when you say it, but once it sinks in.)

(Well, lets just say Starscream has friends with the same body build.)

('Giant Dorritoes of Doom.')

**oo**

Rule# 223: Do not make you own '101 ways to die'

'Jump down from Starscream's shoulder.'

'Die from wearing to much underwear.'

(Some of these rules are really absurd.)

(And it didn't help that Skywarp decided to make his own.)

(It was funny seeing there reactions when they read the last rule.)

'You can also die from orgasms.'

(Yes, absurd.)

**oo**

Rule# 224: Going into random fits of laughter is not recommended.

(Barricade thought he had broken me when I suddenly collapsed laughing.)

(Too bad I was thinking about the time I had watched Thundercracker squeal when he saw a rat.)

(I was watched 24/7 for two weeks after that.)

(No-one else finds it funny.)

(They are such prudes.)

**oo**

**AN: Sorry for the long break, but my brain has suffered major damage because of school and work. I am really sorry that these rules aren't as good as the others, but I hope that in the next chapter, I'll be back to normal and everything will be funny again. Review and tell me what you think! Oh, and also give my your rules! Who knows, they might be great! **


	13. Chapter 13

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers. This makes me sad. Yet, because of my great friend, I have found out the date to when Transformers 3 is coming out. Get ready...start a countdown...1st of July, 2011! PARTY CELEBRATE! I DON'T KNOW JUST BE HAPPY!

List 13

ooo

Rule# 225: When reading or watching funny videos on Youtube, lock you door before you burst into uncontrollable laughter.

(Some 'cons passed wondering why I sounded like Starscream)

(I was deeply offended!)

(I don't laugh that weirdly, do I?)

(Starscream didn't like the comparison.)

(Imagine what I felt!)

ooo

Rule# 226: Stealing and then cuddling items that you steal if not recommended.

(Frenzy for once didn't know what to say.)

(Hey, I take pride in being able to snatch Scalpel's mini telescope glasses away.)

(Though it didn't last long.)

ooo

Rule# 227: Never ask to be given swimming lessons...or give swimming lessons.

(I tried to teach Barricade and Skywarp how to swim.)

(Barricade managed because of his tires. Just barely.)

(Skywarp...well as they say. The bigger they are the harder they fall.)

(Or sink.)

ooo

Rule# 228: Never spy on 'cons while they are alone.

(Oh Dear Primus!)

(I was dying from heat failure when I saw what most 'cons did.)

(Starscream had a secret energon-pop stash under his berth.)

(Barricade enjoyed polishing his armor.)

(Shockwave...lets say he loves cats...a lot.)

(Very hard to believe.)

ooo

Rule# 229: Do not use Autobot's names as curse words.

'Oh bloody Mudflap! Why in the Prime did you freakin' do that! Ironhide!'

(Skywarp crashed.)

(Blitzwing just froze in place.)

(Megatron...grinned.)

(I laughed hysterically!)

ooo

Rule# 230: Buying a coffin and telling the 'cons your going nocturnal is a horrible excuse to have fun.

(We did this when Tai was visiting.)

(Jumping out of coffins when the 'cons look in is hilarious!)

(Seeing there expressions at seeing the techno organic femme screaming bloody murder just gave it the sweet crisp of the perfect prank.)

(Barricade's reaction was the best!)

(Though he's taken a liking to Tai.)

(I'm jealous.)

ooo

Rule# 231: Do not use the coffin as a floating device in the river nearby.

(I simply floated away.)

(Hahahahah! I was laughing so hard watching them try to get to me.)

(Then I realized why...)

(The river lead to a water fall.)

(o.o)

(...slag.)

ooo

Rule# 232: Auctioning off gadgets and 'con parts on E-bay or Autobots is not a good a idea.

(Some-one called Sunny-side-down, brought he video of all three Trine members dancing to Single Ladies.)

(Later I realized that it was the famous 'bot twins.)

(Very much later I realized that they used it as blackmail.)

(A very long time later, I was sitting in my corner.)

ooo

Rule# 234: Telling that it was you who auctioned off the items on E-bay, brings havoc. Do not do it!

(I told Starscream it was me.)

(Thundercracker was mad.)

(Skywarp was ignoring me.)

(Barricade was pleased that I put them in their place.)

(I don't regret nothing!)

ooo

Rule# 235: Never Glomp.

(No matter how tempting it is to do this to there holo's.)

(Highly inappropriate as Soundwave put it.)

(It wasn't my fault I was in the glomping mood.)

(Tai and me had fun glomping the 'cons.)

(Much to her mates chagrin.)

ooo

Rule# 236: Hiding kibble snacks around the base in hopes of Bumbles finding them is not recommended.

(The 'cons found more in there gears than Bumbles found in corners.)

(Watching them move with little biscuits crunching is so funny!)

(I was laughing so hard when Blitzwing walked past and Bumbles trailing after him.)

(Eating the crumbs Blitz dropped!)

(Bahahaah!)

ooo

Rule# 237: Yodeling is highly inappropriate.

(It also hurts the 'cons receptors)

(Imagine there reactions when there resident squishy started yodeling.)

(I even got the funky wig!)

(Hehehehe)

(I've never seen them react so violently.)

(Or hunt so widely to find that recording tap that played my singing over and over again.)

ooo

Rule# 238: Never refer to the 'cons base as 'The Bat Cave'

(As awesome as Batman is.)

(The 'cons have style and they don't live in an underground cave.)

(Not that we don't get bats inside.)

(Megatron almost glitched.)

(I swear!)

(Well...I did put a welcome sign on the door.)

'Welcome to the 'Cons Bat Cave!'

ooo

Rule# 239: Some 'cons are not interested in the Harry Potter series. Do not push the movies into the list of Friday night movies.

(Not to say Megatron wasn't interested.)

(His favorite character was...Dumbledore.)

(He said he was interesting.)

(Though I think he was jealous of his power.)

(I mean how cool is his pajama styled robes?)

(Starscream secretly liked the movie.)

(Hehe, Harry Potter was awesome.)

ooo

Rule# 240: Do not compare any of the 'cons to any weird, creepy guy from the movie.

(Megatron became Dumbledore.)

(Starscream became Snape.)

(For obvious reasons.)

(I became Professor Lupin!)

(Yay!)

(Skywarp took a fascination to Ron.)

(...it was a odd day for us all.)

ooo

Rule# 241: Squishing spiders in front of 'cons it not good.

(Starscream actually squealed when he watched the spider turn to a pile of moosh.)

(I looked at him evilly and said. 'That's what humans look like when you squish them.')

(He didn't come near me for a while.)

(Barricade threw me out of his alt when I whacked the poor spider into a goo pile on his leather seat.)

(He didn't speak to me for a while too.)

(I hate spiders!)

ooo

Rule# 242: Do not ask the 'cons if they know the muffin man.

(No they don't know him!)

'Do you know the muffin man?'

'No, I don't know the muffin man.' Skywarp replied.

(I then went on and started singing.)

(This was repeated several times with many 'cons.)

('Do you know the muffin man!')

**AN: I know this took forever but writers block got in the way of so many things! You really don't know how crap I felt about not updating so soon! But thank-you to everyone who offered rules for me to write up! I thank you!**

**Review and offer rules of your own!**


	14. Chapter 14

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers. This makes me sad. I am so far on break and wondering if my life could get any boring-er! I'm attempting to get as many chapters up before hell starts again. aka School.

List 14

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Rule# 243: Anime and Manga are prohibited from the Nemisis.

(This includes comic books, magazines, and of the perverted stuff some-one keeps ordering, DVD's, Blue-rays, and visual items that may include graphics of said item.)

(You can't blame me that I like the new anime called 'Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt' and watch the episodes every Saturday morning.)

(Though this week's episodes disturbed the 'cons.)

(Not that I enjoyed it myself either.)

(But, being me...I was punished for watching these 'inappropriate' programs.)

(But that was only the beginning.)

ooo

Rule# 244: Glomping is once again banned from base.

(Yes...again.)

(Especially when you witness the 'cons reactions to these attacks.)

(*evil grin*)

(I found Lugnut's reaction the funniest.)

"Ahhh! Get it off, get it off! I'm infested now!" (This screaming went on for a while)

(It got kind of annoying really)

ooo

Rule# 225: When playing with Bumbles make sure Storm is not around.

(I made that mistake several times.)

(No matter how much Ravage doesn't like Bumbles, he is protective of her when Storm comes around.)

(Storm finds it funny torturing Bumbles.)

(I find it funny that she loves her doggy treats.)

(Soundwave doesn't.)

ooo

Rule# 226: No matter ow fun it may seem at the time, do not make a list of all the 'cons faults.

1. They are all dark colored. (Now what's with all the grey, black and darkness! Lighten things up.)...(I did eventually.)...(Fluro light bulbs are a work of heaven.)

All they talk about is destroying the world and autobots. (I was convinced for a while that they liked the 'bots a lot more than they let on.)

3. Mood swings. (I won't even start.)

4. Dark lighting all around the base.

They don't have lights on the turns on base. (I find this highly dangerous for one my size.)...(Some 'cons are too lazy to look down.)

ooo

Rule# 227: Do not quote Pirates of the Caribbean _ANY_ of them!

'..._Is this jar of dirt going to help me?_' (Oh god! I don't think I've ever seen Barricade express him self that much!)...(I nearly pissed myself!)

'_No. You want you to find this, because the finding of this you incapatorically finding and or locating, in your discovering the detecting of a way to say your dolly belle, ol' what's-her-face. Savvy?_' (That about gets my out of everything I've done.)...(I've never seen a 'con so confused before.)...(It was epic!)

'_Where is it? Where if the thump-thump!_' (That speaks for itself.)

'_Aye! Avast!_' (It sounded so funny when the t.v. said it.)...(When you say it yourself, 'cons look at you funny.)...(But it did it jobs well!)

'_Stop blowing holes in my ship!' _

'_Did no-one come to save me, just because they missed me?_' (Tai's ever so smart reply when then whole autobot force came looking for her.)...(Imagine opening the door to a twenty-so foot high robot with a trigger happy bot behind him.)...(I nearly pissed myself.)

'_You're mad_.' (Barricade said.) '_Good job for that, because if I wasn't this would probably never work.'_ (Was my reply when I attempted to bun-jee jump from the high beam in base.)...(The only problem was...I had springy shoes...ones that had giant springs attached to the bottom.)...(But alas, it didn't work and Barricade was proven right...for once!)

ooo

Rule# 228: Scissors, paper, rock is banned from the base.

(I so conveniently versed Lugnut.)

(I swear, I heard his brain working over time when he attempted to beat me.)

(But it wasn't that hard to loose considering he could only make a rock with his hand.)

'Rebecca, you want to play scissors, paper rock again?'

'No!'

'Why?'

'Cause its boring! I always win!' (

ooo

Rule# 229: The game Assassin's Creed is banned from base.

(Argh! Why can't Altair swim! Why!)

(By my hand he's drowned at least 30 times!)

(Once Skywarp saw this, he opted to teach me how to swim.)

(But ended up drowning himself.)

(*Facepalm*)

ooo

Rule# 230: Saying random fruit names in a conversation will prove to people your insane.

'And then I was about to blast his head in-' (Starscream was about to say.) 'Pineapple!' (That was me!)

'Apples!'

'Chinchillas!'

'Watermellon!'

(This went on for a while.)

'Isn't a chinchilla a rodent?' (I was asked by Thundercracker.)

(I facepalmed and this started yet another conversation.)

ooo

Rule# 231: Never attempt to kidnap Sam.

(I did the whole thing!)

(Step 1: I followed him to Wal-Mart.)

(Step 2: I blindfolded him and stuffed him inside Barricade.)

(He was screaming like a little girl the whole time.)

(Step 3: Send a image to the autobots of Sam.)

(It didn't really help that I was standing behind him holding my coffee mug and grinning like a maniac.)

(They came...but not like I planned.)

(Sam was eventually set free.)

ooo

**AN: I know this is short, but I am running low on ideas. And my writers block has not completely passed yet. Please and me ideas and I don't think this was my best chapter. And Tai belongs to Tatyana Witwicky, and Storm belongs to soudnwave143. And obviously Rebecca belongs to me. Later! **


	15. Chapter 15

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers.

Authors note: Um...Sorry? Does that make you feel any less pitiful towards me? I know its been a long time (3 months) and I have not relevant reason as to why its taken me with long. Writers block is no reason, and uh...brain replacement doesn't really sound convincing.

List 15

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Rule# 232: Never comment on Dental care around the Base.

(Calling the local dentist doesn't count as a checkup.)

(And calling Ratchet for aid seems to desperate and healthy for the 'Cons.)

(So...)

(Scalpel decided to take charge.)

(Megatron's chomps needed some serious flossing.)

(No kidding.)

(...)

(I swear there was more that just loose metal in there.)

(I backed away as fast as I could.)

ooo

Rule# 234: Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' is not to b sung...or incorporated to mean something else.

"Tell me why do you have to go and make things so complicated!"

(Sideway's likes to sing.)

(To himself)

(Or any unlucky soul that manages to catch him in the moment.)

(My poor ears!)

ooo

Rule# 235: Celebrating New Years with a bang is a bad idea.

(Barricade, Dead End and I decided to end the year with a bang.)

(So we set up the Rec Room full of Fireworks.)

(And we triggered them too early.)

(Just as Starscream walked in.)

(oops?)

(...)

ooo

Rule# 236: When's Storm is casually strolling around, don't go mentioning her time with the 'bots.

(Bad news for all.)

(Not only did Soundwave get offended, but Storm has a mean streak.)

(I've never seen Dead End move that fast.)

ooo

Rule# 237: 'LOL, Jokes' Comments are inappropriate.

(So I've learnt.)

'Hey Starcscream, did you get a repaint? It looks great. LOL Jokes.' (Barricade said.)

'Go frag yourself. LOL Jokes, go frag Megatron.' (And Screamer bites back.)

(I laughed.)

'I'll never let you go.' (Said Thundercracker while carrying me around.)

(Then he added.) 'LOL, Jokes, I was kidding' (Then went of to dispose of me.)

(Barricade laughed some more.)

'We attack the Autobot base head on.' (Soundwave said.)

(By the time, we were actually waiting for the 'LOL, jokes' bit.)

'Is that a joke?' (Dead End asked.)

'No, I wasn't 'LOL'ing around.'

(I literally laughed my head off!)

ooo

Rule# 238: Do not play knock-and-run.

(Being a fast runner has its ups.)

(We knocked on Starscream's door.)

(Then ran away as he opened it.)

(We came back and knocked again.)

(He opened it with a pissed off expression.)

(We backed away, only to come back and knock on his door again.)

(I laugh as people's trauma.)

ooo

Rule# 239: Do not play the Phantom of the Opera song.

(Every time we did, Soundwave always walked into the room.)

(It got creepy.)

(Then we changed it to Masquerade.)

(It got creepier because Starscream, Thundercracker and Skywarp all flew in with hug smiles on their faces.)

(Finally we left it at All I Ask of You.)

(But alas, I fear, that song has been banned as well.)

(The high notes are too high for Shockwave to hum.)

(Yes. Hum.)

ooo

Rule# 240: Never try to copy Sid from Ice Age 2, The Meltdown.

(I found the scene with all the other Sloths cute!)

(To bad they tried to fry him.)

(But their dance was funny!)

(Blackout tried to command Frenzy and Rumble to do as he did.)

(I laughed my balls off!)

(THey looks just as blank minded as Sid-wannabes did!)

(Now they follow him around though.)

(Soundwave is acting huffy.)

ooo

Rule# 241: Pull every door that says push.

(The 'Con's thought I'd finally lost it.)

(Same goes with falling 'up' the stairs.)

(I still don't understand how that's possible!)

(I'd fallen up so many stairs that falling down seems like a blast!)

(Barricade tripped up the stairs once too.)

(I still can't get the image out of my head!)

ooo

Rule# 242: 'May the Force be with you.' Enough said.

(That became the greeting around here very quickly.)

'May the Force be with you, Barricade.'

'What force?'

(We never did figure out what the 'force' was.)

(That was until Dead End forced one out.)

ooo

Rule# 243: Do not make the door alarms once opened to go 'ping'

(I set every door to do this.)

"Ping! Here comes Starscream"

"Ping! Here's Soundwave!"

"Ping! Here's...who is it?"

"Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!"

(The door broke and it continued 'Ping'ing through the night.)

(I got so annoyed I attempted to reset it.)

(Now it sounds like a broken 'ping' on drugs.)

(My eye still twitches.)

ooo

Rule# 244: Never decide to 'repaint' a room.

(I decided to paint mine vibrant green and the brightest of orange I could find.)

(Its blinding I tell you!)

(Barricade started complaining about Optic problems.)

(Sideways was soon declared to have gone color blind.)

(I can't sleep at night.)

(The walls seriously glow like magic!)

(...)

ooo

Rule# 245: Never question Blackout's sanity.

"Anther good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds."

(I backed away _very_ slowly.)

(Then I turned tail and ran.)

(His laugh still haunts me to this day.)

ooo

Rule# 246: Never challenge a 'con to a competition on Michael Jackson on Wii.

(I cant dance!)

(I'm proud to say.)

(But so can Sideways.)

(He beat me three times, and went on to the four with Thriller.)

(I sulked in the corner for a few minutes.)

(Until. I finally snapped.)

"Okay! You messed with the bull, now say hello to the horns!"

(Sideways did say hi, and my dignity said bye.)

(Yes you guessed it, I lost.)

(AGAIN!)

ooo

Rule# 247: Harry Potter Puppet Pals, Wizard Angst.

(To not follow their lead.)

'Angst, angst, angst, angst.' I said this while hitting my head against the wall.

(Frenzy and Rumble decided to reenact the whole thing.)

(I think I need a change of pants!)

(And a new lung or two!)

ooo

**AN: I find this chapter rather dull, and due to my mysterious disappearance, I know I have no reason to take this long. My mind got lazy and ever since school started, I cannot fathom the strength or brain cells to actually write. **

**This makes me sad, way too sad. And I know no amount of sorry can make up for the long wait. **

**I tire to make this long, and hopefully its not dull in your point of view. But if it is, please tell me! **


	16. Chapter 16

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers.

Authors note: I'm back, with a hopefully better chapter than the last one. And thanks to everyone that had the time to review, it really means a lot to me. And now, enough of me chatting.

List 16

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Rule# 248: Never quote the Angry Beavers.

(Such an awesome show.)

'We'll be alright. You've got your Beaver Survival Kit, right?' (Ah, the good times with this one.)

'Desperate times call for desperate desperateness'

'That was nuts!' (Yes, yes it was.) (Skywarp has his moments.) (Flying upside down is nuts, especially when your a passenger!)

'I suffered an unexpected prolapse.' (I was jumping on the bed.) 'You mean relapse.' (Barricade offered.) 'Work with me here.' (I just kept on jumping, ignoring the feeling of De-je-vu.)

(I regret that now.)

'Ah, the thrill of victory and the agony of my feet.' (I'd spent the last three hours trying to out run Ironhide.)

(Its a long story really.)

(I was brought to a little outing, called Ironhide, who conveniently popped up, a Hardarse, and it all went downhill from that.)

(I still have nightmares.)

(But I've never felt so happy before. I managed to insult the Autobot weapons specialist and get away with it.)

(ALIVE!)

'What in the name of what's-its-name are you doing?' (Megatron offered me a blank stare in response.)

'It seems like I've forgotten something but I can't remember what. Oh, well, it's probably just a matter between life and death. Well, nothing's more important to a doctor than his golf game. Fore!' (Scalpel was given a retirement permission slip until we though he wasn't senile anymore.)

(If he ever will be normal, is another question.)

'I know my situation is rather unique.' (I was caught with my foot stuck in the toilet.)

'The word is psychotic.' (Was Thundercracker's reply.)

ooo

Rule# 249: Don't overstay your visit at the Autobot's hanger.

(I was invited to stay the weekend!)

(Yay!)

(The night before, I came up with a list of things to do before I came back to the 'cons.)

Fill Ironhide's cannons with un-popped corn. (Hehehe, this was a blast. Literally!)

Line up the autobots from shortest to smallest. (I learnt that most where self conscious about their size.) (-sigh- Now they know what we humans feel like.)

- Call Jazz awesome (Because he is.) (And only to get the 'cons jealous.)

- Eat what the soldiers eat, or most likely, real food.

- Learn to tie a noose. (A nice big story behind that.) (But Phantom of the Opera played a big role.)

- Challenge Bumblebee to a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. (Its an awesome Anime!)

Compare Optimus' leading skills to Megatron's. (Hehe, Optimus likes me a lot. He thinks I'm awesome.) (Well, in less words than that.) (Megatron glares at me now.)

- Wake up the whole base by singing Boom Boom Pow (So many meanings to this one.)

- Call a 'con from the Autobots base. (Phone bills, yes, the 'bots get them too.)

- Eat a tub of ice-cream.

- Witness Ratchet throwing a wench at some-one. (I saw this happen on a daily basis!) (Dear Primus! It gets betters every time!)

(Thus, I only managed to complete a few, but I did leave the autobots regretting ever inviting me over.)

(Well, in Ironhide's point of view.)

ooo

Rule# 250: Never attempt to control any 'con while traveling to a certain place

(Dead End missed the exit on the highway.)

(I decided to make the turn myself and forced him to swerve left.)

(We almost hit a semi.)

(It looked like Optimus.)

(We did hit a cyclist.)

(My eye twitch and I pushed the gas.)

(You didn't see _anything_.)

(Right!)

ooo

Rule# 251: Never mention anything about pregnancy and 'cons. Wait, just don't mention the two in the same sentence.

(They 'cons will look at your oddly.)

(Then glare at the 'con mentioned.)

(I have a lot of buddies now.)

(Don't scream about it either.)

(Scalpel will be called in.)

(I was warned a little to late.)

(Lets just say, playing a prank on the 'cons but stuffing a pillow under your shirt and saying your pregnant is NOT the best way to start the day.)

(Barricade can have only so many failures in one day.)

ooo

Rule# 252: Lets just continue on from the last rule and don't mention any femme names with the word 'pregnancy', sparkling' and 'Megatron' in the same sentence.

(They didn't look happy one bit.)

(Starscream over-reacts a bit too.)

(I became a new target.)

(Not that I wasn't one already.)

(Megatron's gonna be a father!)

(Eeeeeeee! Result!)

ooo

Rule# 253: Don't try and mime everything you are saying.

("_Mime, Mime. Mime? Mime, mime, mime. Mi-Mime.")_

(It confused Barricade so much he called in help.)

(Blackout came to the conclusion that I was brain dead.)

(They called in Shockwave.)

"She's saying that she want a cookie and asked if either of you had donkeys."

(I have a new Mime-best-friend-buddy.)

(Yes! Some-one understands my awesomeness!)

ooo

Rule# 254: Don't send fake Hogwart's Acceptance letters to any of the 'cons.

(Some just happen to be really big fans!)

"Oh Slag! 'Cade, 'Cade, 'Cade! I got accepted! They finally remembered me!"

(Frenzy went on a high.)

(I almost felt bad telling him it was fake.)

"There was a typo in their system."

(I told him.)

(Rumble who was jealous added.)

"And besides, your a little to old to be accepted, don't cha think?"

(...Burn.)

ooo

Rule# 255: Just because Starscream and his Trine are able to break the sound barrier, don't go around riding in one.

(I did.)

(It was fun until my ears popped.)

(All I heard was constant buzzing for the next three hours.)

(But Starscream and I finally got along better.)

(Maybe because he got his revenge.)

(My hair is still plastered to my skull.)

ooo

Rule# 256: Don't try and be a Super Saiyan.

(Vegeta is just too cool for...uh normal clothes?)

(Hey, he looks awesome even in spandex!)

(Too bad the same thing can't be said about me.)

(...Awkward...)

(I then decided to be Piccolo.)

(I had _way_ too much fun painting myself green.)

(Frenzy and Rumble went green with me.)

(I have minions!)

(Mwahahaha!)

ooo

Rule# 257: Don't Quote Top Gear. No matter how awesome it is.

(It makes fun of cars and grounded 'cons might take offense.)

"Right, once you start driving like an Italian this starts to make much more sense." (Swindle decided to be a Maserati for a day.) (I had _way_ to much fun with him.)

"Oh cock." (Yes, oh cock.)

"Eat my pants!" (Racing Dead End against Barricade was fun.) (That was until they both started to try.) (Screaming, hyperventilating human on board!)

"And now for the sitting-down news." (Essentially you have to sit down to listen to this.) (Which Megatron actually did sit down to.) (Though it wasn't for long...not until I told him about what I did to the front door.) (...oops?)

"God that's a stup-erb thing! It's brilliant." (Sure it is...)

"It had the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis." (I'm not going to repeat who that was aimed at.) (I still watch my back when turning corners.)

"Its like threading a needle at a hundred miles an hour!"

"Frankly the Stig's mother could drive this lap, although that's highly unlikely because he was raised by wolves." (Barricade became known at The Stig.)

"Houston, das eagle has landed."

"Really is as useful as a snooze button on a fire alarm." (Ah, the ever so clever inventions of Hook.) (Creepy but very handy.)

ooo

Rule# 258: Always believe the unbelievable.

(I'd set fire to something that was practically made of water.)

(Don't ask how I managed to set the water tank on fire.)

(The base only supplied hot water for the next hour.)

ooo

**AN: I hope this took a while, and my break was due to writers block that lasted way to long if you ask me, but I'm glad for the break, I've gotten to write out the story that's been eating my mind for a while, and now that I'm nearly finished with it, I can steady ahead with my other stories. **


	17. Chapter 17

Guidelines to living with Decepticons

Deception is Decepticon

_Note: _For all those who are curious, my idea was based of Tatyana Witwicky's 'The Guidelines for living with giant alien robots'. I give her thanks for the inspiration, and also, **Ask permission to use this idea**.

Disclaimer: As I have mentioned before in so many chapters, I am far to poor and normal to own Transformers.

Authors note: Yes, I have returned. And with new ideas! I have just watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon! And literally fell in love with all the 'cons. And guess what, Barricade is Alive! I was screaming when I saw his four-opticed face! And Soundwave was just too awesome, as well as Shockwave. But you can't go past Megatron. His wardrobe is inspirational.

List 17

ooo

Rule# 259: Never mention anything remotely close to 'Tentacle Hentai' around Soundwave.

(That guy might not be emotional, but he will use those tentacles to get what he needs.)

(No matter how wrong you put it out to be.)

(He enjoys it.)

(And not in that sexual manner.)

(Primus, help us all.)

ooo

Rule# 260: Don't ever try taking Megatron's cape off.

(Ever!)

(Even is his last battle with Optimus ended in a fairly bad way and half his face was blasted off.)

(I must protest to any actions involving his face and cape.)

(And he's still mad at me for borrowing it.)

(I used it to make myself a cape.)

ooo

Rule# 261: Don't tell Megatron he looks like a Prince of Persia crossover Assassin's Creed character with said cape.

(Next thing you know he actually does get his sword out.)

(And who better to take it out on, but Starscream.)

(I had to endure two hours of torture for the poor mech before I was let off.)

(With a warning.)

(Starscream...was not to lucky.)

(And the thing is, he had nothing to do with it.)

(Ouch.)

ooo

Rule# 262: Do not make a list based on 'How to become a Decepticon..."

"_Hello, if you are reading this, you have been successfully chosen to become a decepticon. Please find an enclosed a short introductory guide to Decepticon'ing, which you must mesmerize and then destroy, to prevent security leaks. Due to the lack of employee's at this time, we encourage you to come and join as quickly as possible._

_Yours in infamy, _

_Megatron._

(Oh, yes. I enjoyed sending this to the autobots.)

(As evil as it sounded.)

(Megatron got on hell of a laugh out of it.)

"Frequently asked questions: What should I do if I decide to leave the organization? What moron would ask that?" - Said Megatron.

"Those moron's surround you." - Said I.

"What type of answer is this! _Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible!" _- Screeched Thundercracker.

(Ah, good times.)

"Is there a retirement age for Decepticons?"

And I replied - "You probably wont live long enough to have to deal with this problem."

ooo

Rule# 263: Do not make a theme song for the Decepticons.

"Who lurk beneath the undergrowth,

When all is dim and dark?

Who murder people in their beds

Or sometimes in the park

Decepticons! Decepticons!"

(Yes, I had a little to much fun with this.)

(Shockwave proved useful.)

(He became my portable thesaurus.)

(I then called in Soundwave to read the whole thing out to me.)

(I recorded the whole thing.)

(Now its set on repeat around the base.)

(And the best part is, Barricade and Sideways started humming it AFTER it was finally turned off.)

ooo

Rule# 264: "Beware of Trolls in the bathroom."

(Oh, smooth, Starscream. Smooth.)

(Barricade walked in on me in the bathroom.)

(He screamed rather girlishly.)

(And ran for cover.)

(It was the face mask, I swear.)

ooo

Rule# 265: The game 'Suck and Blow' is from now on banned from the base.

(You know, that game where you have to pass the card from mouth to mouth?)

(I decided to play with a few 'cons.)

(They literally 'blew' me away.)

(And lets not get started on the 'sucking' part.)

(Their vents work double time.)

(I hat to work two times that to just keep myself standing.)

(More than once did I find myself plastered face first again metal lips.)

ooo

Rule# 266: Do not Spatula Slap anyone.

(The general idea was to walk around slapping anyone you could across the ass with a spatula.)

(So far I managed to get Soundwave.)

(He didn't know what hit him.)

(And Starscream.)

(You once again, lived up to his name.)

(He screamed tot he stars.)

(I've come to the conclusion that he has a sensitive ass.)

(Barricade joined in afterwards and got so carried away slapping everyone with his giant spatula he didn't recognize Megatron's ass until it turned and became his groin.)

(Megatron was not happy.)

(He yelled, he ranted and he raged.)

(Barricade is alive...barely.)

(And I am cowering away because Megatron is in current possession of that spatula.)

ooo

Rule# 267: You cannot start a pillow fight in the middle of the hallways now.

(I started one with Frenzy and Rumble.)

(They nearly suffocated me.)

(Until Ravage came to the rescue.)

(He thought they where actually trying to kill me.)

(...He brought out his machine gun.)

(Lets just say a lot was destroyed...not just the pillows.)

ooo

Rule# 268: Cling wrap is banned.

(I cling wrapped all the toilets on the base.)

(As well as all the taps and just anything that dispenses liquids.)

(Shockwave had a blast trying to find where all the water went.)

(He started to fiddle around with the pipes.)

(You can guess where it went from here.)

(Scalpel got called in.)

(As well as Hook.)

(It seems that all the pressure of the water finally burst out.)

(Not from the taps that is.)

(The pipes managed to cover everything in unmentionables.)

(...Even the 'con's.)

(I've managed to go three days without been shot yet...)

(...I think thats a good thing.)

ooo

Rule# 269: Quoting How I Met Your Mother is now banned.

"You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over. Friendship over!" (Just because Megatron had a thing with a femme from Cybertron who he met in a pub doesn't mean you should go to these lengths.)

( I did...)

"I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment." (The movie was amazing.)

(I started to take classes.)

(To bad my clumsiness is contagious.)

"Yes, that's what I meant by 'you know." (Awkward situation no. 16)

"Why the hell should I help you?" (Asked Megatron.) "Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship." (This is me trying to redeem myself.)

"And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you." (I was listening to a story from Thundercracker...I was scarred for life...but he wasn't finished.) "We did it right here and here and here!"

(The horror!)

"Tell her the story of the really heavy door." (Skywarp was trying to break the awkward silence between me and Starscream.)

(Starscream snorted and replied.) "There was a really heavy door. I opened it.)

(I must say...the best story I've hear thus far.)

(I was truly impressed.)

(Note my sarcasm?)

**AN: I tried really hard for this one and I hoped you enjoyed it. Review and tell me what you think! **


	18. Special note to everyone :D

Just the awfully Authors note everyone has to post once in a while.

Well, I know I haven't written in a while, but I have lost my muse, I find it difficult to come up with new rules and write for something I have lost interest in. I hope you don't all take too much offence, it was never you that made me stop writing but myself.

And I also dedicate this author's note to two _very_ special vistors who decided to comment on my story 'Guidelines to living with Decepticons', Pancakes123 and Firefly. Although these two _lovely_ people are guests, they may come back and read this, it might not even be a they because the two comments they left sounded eerily alike.

Now, I am not offended, just amused; I might sound conceited and arrogant, but I am just laid back. I take all criticism kindly and use it to work around problems, so here is how I will work around their comments.

Dear my _sweet, lovely, _Pancake123 and Firefly guests,

Commenting on my story is all in good graces, except I do not respond well to a death threat. I hope you do realise this as FANfiction, I mean, it is called FANfiction for a particular reason and I was not aware that expression stops one at writing and providing entertainment to several hundred people as a legible excuse for you to call me racist.

I'll have you know that I know exactly what racism means, I do fall victim to it myself (and I do own a dictionary). So I would please have you remove yourself from this story if you wish to threaten me. In however manner you meant to mean it; I personally, did not find it a joking manner. This is FANfiction and as a writer I do not respect such comments. Need I remind you this is a FANfiction? That, as a worldwide site on FANfiction, you dedicate writing on this website to famous films, books, tv shows and other varieties of entertainment. So what I have done is nothing offensive, if I were to discriminate some-one or a certain nationality in particular, that would be racism, but I did not. It was implied when I used a quote from a film called 'Crocodile Dundee', but I did not say it openly myself.

So, I simply wish to conclude with several points: Keep your death threats to yourself and do not post them up on a site where everyone can see (yes Firefly, I am talking to you); I do not take kindly to them. You are not the only ones that love the Autobots, I do like them myself rather, but I have chosen when writing this FANfiction to make fun of them, I have not gotten any other comments that tells me that I am, and I quote 'A fragging afthole', good use on Transformer analogy, but pointless in this case. As I mentioned before, I like criticism, and replying to my comments. And look at you, hiding under a false name because you do not wish to hear my reply. So I chose to speak the truth where all can see.

I sincerely hope that what you were aiming for in your comment achieved its purpose, because I didn't think it did. And I can't forget about our lovely 'Heather' that is what Pancakes 123 called themselves, what a wonderful message you sent as well, _very creative _of you, sounded much like Firefly's message. So, the above message was aimed at you as well.

I'll have you know that you cannot be telling me what to do, especially when I am 'bitchin' about the autobots' as you so crudely put it. And, oh, look, there goes that transformer term 'fragger' again, ouch, I am so wounded emotionally. Note the sarcasm?

Well, that is the end to me long message to these two _wonderful_ people who could pass as twins. I do hope you have fun calling out more entertaining mistakes from FANfictions written to entertain the public. And I hope those authors do this as well, to show that these people don't affect us, you just remind us that there are people like you, out there, who do not enjoy the pleasure of FANFICTION!

Yours sincerely,

Deception love Decepticon

P.S

Next time you write me a message, please improve your grammar and spelling, it's atrocious.


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